Living the Dream. One day at a time.

Back again after like 5 years!

2011-06-27T07:14:00.001+01:00

Just can't sleep too dead for trying
Been living alone so long I know no place like home

Drink and wash it all away

2008-01-09T20:32:00.000+01:00

Music Video:
href="http://216.180.244.187/videos/t/the_cure/alt_end-2.html" target="_blank">Alt End by (The Cure)

You know that I'm happy, you see smiles and jokes that idealise stars of theatre and screen, you see and that's all you've got, all you smell - all my nights scrubbed raw, all my putrid stench brushed and scrubbed till the sink runs red. How do my smiles look now? Do I believe in your God? Do I believe in your dream?

Answers sweat,and moisten my pits, I stink of your empty promises, I stink of you and your pointless hopes and transparent dreams. I kill. I hate the stupidity, I hate it because I want it, because I WANT IT!

I am numb, I am dysphoric, I wish one day to be human, I wish one day to love, I am without feeling, without love,

Tickle me, watch me sleep

Nothing can make my pain real, not tears spring forth, no gurgles of boiling rage break my surface, I am my own planet. Never planned for, just left to discover who I am, left to die alone.

I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG - i WANT THIS TO BE THE END, BE THE CUNTING END OF ALL THIS SHIT.

Impure

2008-01-08T18:09:00.000+01:00

I've been under for more than two days now. It was meant to be a desease but the heart isn't in it. All my actor are walking away, bouycoting my attempts at skiving legally, how long will eyes of my employers sit before they grow tired of the wool in their eyes?

I have a black eye that grows everyday and the music in my heart says that this isn't what it was meant to be or how it would turn out. I sniff bak lumps of hlegm and they ease my conscience, I am after all sick. Aren't I? Sick to the stomach and hardenend arteries, painful urges to hurt and run. Sweaty stinking body forcing the coma out, little heaving pushes that sadden me, all he wants is to be happy and there's just a grim intent bleeding slippery failure into everything he tries to do. I am all ouot of answers anda out of understanding. It can and won't work for me- a hair's breadth away from being you. A hair's breadth from being a breath, not just a cancer blackening.

I'm nothing. How can this shaking urine soaked sweating leach cause so much trouble?

I am nothing.

Let there be Nothing.

I am your dirty word.

I am your shame

spit on me spit on me spit on me,

and let me live.

Phoetus back where he belongs...

2007-09-08T00:14:00.000+01:00

I perch on painful paranoia, all my fear gone to bed but something remains. a dirty stripe of the hurt i felt before.

I just lean and cradle what is left of my aching spine.
fuck it ,this is all for my tomorrows,
this is for when I do not understand,
this is hurting till I sleep find sleep,
this is comfort in the routine,
this is poetry in my silence,
this is a skip and dance in my leaden feet,
this is why this is this,
this is me, and you,
this is going nowhere....

Have you seen me lately?

2006-12-27T13:46:00.000+01:00

If you saw me you'd think I liked the quiet, sometimes I think I do and sometimes it hurts to think that this isn't what I want at all. All I can know is how I feel and feelings can be so deceptive. This has been the longest December on record. So much to be thankful for, so much to look forward to and so much still remains to make me shit myself. So much left to make me think maybe it won't ever get any better, just enough left to make it all seem so pointless; a lingering thought that tells me to run, that says cut your losses and get the fuck out before you get in too deep.

If you were a fly on the wall, you'd think it was all my fault. If you thought too hard you'd blame me like I do. However, the obvious alwys hides the truth and I fuck up because I'm scared, because it's my defaut setting. I'm safe when I know how it all turns out, I can plan and buffer.

If you walked past my window, you'd think I didn't have a dream. You'd want to shake me and tell me all I had to do was believe. You'd want me to see what I already see. You'd want me to do what I do everyday.

I sit, I stand, I make faces at the voices in my head. I crawl into my dreams and take shelter from the storm outside. I comfort myself with the thought that it could all be so much worse.
(The Postal Service)

When all is not enough

2006-12-24T23:48:00.000+01:00

Err....I want it all, and "it all" won't ever be enough.
So
I have two choices; 1) Give in now and surrender to the fact that I'm never going to be happy or 2) spend the rest of my life working like a cunt for something I'm never going to have, in the mistaken belief that happiness is just around the corner.

Is it better to have a dream even if that dream never materialises, than to know that it just isn't worth the hassle in the first place?

There will always be someone better looking, richer, funnier or more exciting than me.
I just have to accept me for me and just be me.
Bish
Bash
Bosh - Job done.- The key to eternal happiness courteousy of Merlin.
Tada!
Merry fucking Christmas.

"I'm not your favourite record/ The songs you grow to like never stick at first".

2006-12-24T00:47:00.000+01:00

Looking for love when I can't even look myself in the eye. Looking for work when I can't even work out what I want to be. Impailed on indecision whilst my peers trot on, not sure but willing to trust in their own judgement. I'm crippled-not the product of a broken home, but of a wasted youth-glazed eyes auditioning for a role in a better life-my life when I wake the fuck up, buck the fuck up and take the plunge. Who the fuck am I? Who do I want to be? What do I like enough to risk betting my whole life on it? How can I have faith in myself when I've fucked everything up? Why the fuck do I, am I, will I turn out the way I turn out?
I'm such a head fuck.
This is side one
Flip me over
My life is waiting for me to live it-It's so close I can taste it.

(Fall out Boy- More EMO to make benefit glorious nation of Merlin)

Life on life's terms/filling the void

2006-12-15T17:43:00.000+01:00

They say the addict runs away from responsibility, they say the addict escapes negative feelings any way he knows how. They're right. Fuck-the slightest bit of stress and I spend 120 quid on Cd's. This may not seem a lot but when I live off eggs and bread it may look a bit more like what it is-retail therapy, compulsive purchasing, compulsive behaviour just like drinking till the sharp edges fade away, just like running till the burning gets you high. After 4 months of being institutionalised I am well aware of these subsidiary addictions-push one down and another pops up. Who knows what's next after compulsive shopping-gambling?I fucking hope not. I'm already addicted to cigarettes and the gym. Just gotta keep going to meetings, talk about it and all that jazz. Yeah, the substitutes lead you back to the source and that's a scary prospect. I don't want to be back where I was, it wasn't any fun even tho I tricked myself into believing it was. -"It's not a party if it happens every night".-Anyway, I have no money, no job and few prospects but I suppose it can only get better. We shall see.
Somehow I'm going to fill this hole, but for now the toilet paper's just not doing it.
It's war all the time.

Memories from my life-Time to forget.

2006-11-29T14:16:00.000+01:00

Yeah here's something random that I wrote in rehab-I suppose it's about trust in the future and accepting what has happened in my story so far:
There was no choice for me in my eyes, it is only since I got here that I have realised there is another way. No highway, but a cobbled road, 70 years in the making, unfinished and unsure. My own best advice has brought me to my rock-bottom, a feeling of emptiness and loss of identity so profound that my tears are no longer mine. My thoughts play on flickering black and white. Childhood movies lost in time. Alien shapes mimic my memories, smiling as emptily as their immortality.
I live for fear of death, I long for life in hope of change. I stand on the edge and stare ahead at the beauty of the horizon and open air, I stand ready to take the first step, a step taken with belief and trust.

(I love ozzy. No more tears.yeah.)

Back in Blighty

2006-11-25T19:00:00.000+01:00

Just to show that it's not all bad- Being healthy does have its' advantages. My last post a tad melodramatic I must say-feeling a bit sorry for myself, having been kicked out of rehab just to end up in hospital and back in rehab within the space of 3 days. Anyhoo it was my last day and emotions were running amock. Yeah, life is sweet and I had some great times in rehab-here are some photos of one trip we went on. Was all fun and games until one fell off a cliff and almost died but you can't make an omlette without breaking....

This song rocks-It was big in SA so it was probably big and cheesy everywhere but I like it and although it's winter here and my fingers freeze as we speak, it sums up how I'm doing and reminds me of the good times I had whilst remembering the bad times as it were.
Peace to my brothers and sisters out there,Keep that attitude of gratitude!

I am my future.

2006-11-23T11:02:00.000+01:00

My last day across the water and it feels like my world has forgotten me. I'm clinging on to what I took for granted and play smoke and mirrors with my future. I'm so lonely because they're all back where I don't belong, where I couldn't fit. Now all that stands to be decided is whether I can make it in my old life, bent and broken and full of new ideas. I have all I can be given to make it right but the concensus is that I will be broken glass waiting for the soft skin to slide through. I lose hope and then I find it soaking slowly through my soul. I have it all and I never want to go back. I want, I promise never to do it again. Empty words in an empty world where action speaks whilst words stay dumb.
I have fallen and I have arisen; I have done my time from the flatline to the shiny preciousness of life. I have crawled through the mud just to throw it in the faces of those that love me most, I have scrubbed myself raw just to do it all again, just to feel like I've done it all before I say 'never again'. Never again, dusty words in an addicts mouth, hollow promises and lies. I've hurt and I've harmed and I hope, I hope beyond hope that this is the end of my misery. My lacrimous loss, pain and desperation. My compulsive acts of folly. So so sad. So so sad. I want it all and this time my actions mimic my lips and I have the heart and desperation to live. To be alive, breathe and smile at the incredible beauty of a clean world so ready and open to hold me and say yes-It's all gonna be alright.

When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive.

2006-08-30T12:29:00.000+01:00

Yeah life drops in for a welcome home knees-up and all I see is a fanstastic stranger, skipping and playing with my board games. Mad monkeyfucker if ever I saw one. I'm taking my time to aclimatise to the new addition to my world and I think that we could become friends.
I'm no stranger to making amigos but they tend to treat me like shit, kicking me in the head, shit in my mouth and throw me through the window. Don't get me wrong we've been hanging out for a long time now but I'm not taking their shit no more.
Fuck 'em all, the weeds growing through my toes, the stain of urine too old to count, the loud buzz and shake of paranoia.
I'm alive and clean and I'm so happy I could kick this thing.
I could actually kick this thing.
Peace to you headcases,
Bring it on, there ain't nothing we can't handle.
Merlin X

Here, but for the grace of God...

2006-08-22T12:33:00.000+01:00

I'm so nervous, surrounded by tales of tragedy and death, the community shrinks and grows- a self-perpetuating breathing organic strength holding together only those that want helping.
Need is not the necessary necessity; Desperation and fear, heartbreak and fatality- rock bottom is the answer to "How?"
Today my recovery is my choice, I can sink further or I can swim. I can change or I can die. I'm torn and open and the fucking monkey won't leave me be.
The fucking monkey won't leave me.
Won't leave me be.

Growing inside. Fools gold in grey skin.

2006-08-19T14:14:00.000+01:00

A bird without wings feet stapled head beaten down from proud posture.
Just for today.
Heavy burden drilled firm into raw scorched shoulders.
Just for today.
Tearing myself apart.
Just for today.
Just to reconstruct and face the cannons.
Just for today...

Charcoal heart without fire, weeping eyes without water, anger without feeling, hurt without healing.
A walking wound, ripped open to bleed, to feed the audience for their foray into feeding frenzy.
Veins pumped with polluted vaccination, strapped down and fighting I surrender to the dark.
With baited breath I long for light...

Humble heart, thirsty soul
pour water on me.
This desert life suffocates me
for God's sake pray for rain.

Hold on.

2006-07-16T11:47:00.000+01:00

This has been a relevant issue in a lot of people's lives and I just thought it was relevant at the moment. I have had suicidal thoughts, but the other reason for this post is the death and rebirth that may or may not arise from my little holiday.
I also love Good Charlotte.
Happy days guys.

I keep a stiff upper lip. Fucking right I do.

2006-07-14T14:25:00.000+01:00

Raw baby-pure.
This is my humble homage to AC/DC-awesome as fuck.
I'M GOING TO REHAB ON MONDAY AND ALL I WANT IS SOME OF THIS ACTION- LIKE REAL BAD...

I'm not sick, but I'm not well...

2006-07-13T22:42:00.000+01:00

Ooooooooh! been feeling hollow all day-well until recently,teehehe!was falling aleep in meetings, fucking up all my responsabillities. \i left really early and hit the pub-got a few ciders and some cough medecine. then took about 5 zolpidem tablets-LIVIN THE DREAM! too tired for the gym- all of this because I got fucted up last night on loads of shit. I'm a giro playboy, surfing a wave of incompetence and disassociation/ who is society? Oh SHUT UP you pretensious twat!
Bring your disease to my house and I will make you better. a bit of this , a bit of that- but big boot up the bum in the morning after because I'm no good social worker on a hangover.
Trot trot trot little piggy the butcher knows you're gone. leg it you fat shitheap or your wobbling flesh shall be my meal-hungry as I am.
my stomach burns, burns from abuse nd beer. My eyes dried from sleep in lenses, skin itching from a codeine overload. I do my best to spread my love and read my fellow bloggers' bloggs. I love all you guys it's just that \i feel it he a bit shit to be honest. the keyboard is bending at right-angles-crappy wanks.#I'm exhausted-peace ou my peeps

It's a cunt and it hasn't even started yet.

2006-07-12T19:16:00.000+01:00

I've been told to bring hiking boots to rehab. 'Nuf said.
Fucking fuck wank
suck my fat one you cunts!

Unsurprisinly I hate walking aimlessly and I hate it even more when it's up-hill and I hate it more when there isn't a party at the other end, and I hate it even more if it's cold and wet and shit, and -I see tantrums, big ones.

This is not a good start. Not good at all.

I'm just hanging on to my old life as if it were a dead parent, pumping it with drugs to make it live again. Everybody knows it's no use but the electrodes spark and whisper success,.

Today the rum is sweeter, rawer, heavy with ethanol and sedatives for a hungry, parched thoughtless mind. Giving in was like child's play and the gratitude flowed.

I'm not going to minch my words, beat around the bush, procrastinate in any shape, way or form.

You want to know the truth? The ordinary, frogspawn, hillbilly, poisonous truth?

The way this story ends, there ain't nobody getting out alive.
Nobody.

I say 'goodbye', you say 'hello'

2006-07-11T22:50:00.000+01:00

I think I knew what to say at some point. That was a very long time ago. I've carved a lull into my vocabulary that makes me seem stupid when I'm really trapped by a jumpy, confused brain.
My sorrows find succour in its overactivity, perhaps its intelligence. Boring they say, different too.
I live.
I am nervous, waiting for my time to go to the hospital of the soul.
I am sedated, not happy, just empty, nothing to say, warm, friends listen to television and it hurts my fingers, all so desperate to write and amuse and vent, but they can't.
Again it must wait.
I get up at 5.30am tomorrow. I am coming down from ritalin. depressed.
but happy under my fog.
Save me from myself.
15mg's zolpidem for sleep and 50mg's anafranil. I feel the sickness rise. I want sleep. so I go.
I to you write soon, much done yet to be.
caiou
Merlin
and peace to the restless out there.
I will continue to frustrate...

I have been getting very very high lately.

2006-07-09T13:40:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry for the silence, I'm sorry for the noise.

2006-07-08T15:36:00.000+01:00

This dude should give up his body to science when he finally kicks the bucket. He is just incredible.

Yeah, sorry about my last rant- a bit pissed methinks.
So. My meds arrived today so took a whole load on wakin up and am stumbling around the house-watching wimbledon an shit that is completely incapable of striking any kind of chord in me. I suppose it may be the drugs causing tailbacks in my bloodstream and provoking crashes of unknown magnitude on the runway that is my thought process.
Happy, yeah. Bored, no. This week may be a bit heavy because I'm scared of going into rehab next sunday. I just wanna go out blazing.
I'm just scared of who I'm gonna be after.
I probably won't have anything to write about.
Ho hum, thanks for your support guys
and I am NOT a 'freak' super-freak and SDC, no offence taken because maybe I am on second thought.
Stay happy you funny little headcases
I love you all
X
Merlin.

Cripple you, muthafukka.

2006-07-08T02:19:00.000+01:00

Sit down and shut the fuck up. I'm here with the lesson, raw words to tell you how it is, desperate, hysterical shards of fact that cut you down in your fucking tracks.
I'm the messenger so step back and listen, mark this day in your diary-watch me burn this date into your brain because today your life ceases to be a game of haphazard chance and joy mingled with pain, today you know all you're worth is a stale breath in the cold night air.
Today you MUST realise the futility, the destroyed soul of man, the cheap lives we treasure so highly, the crippled creeping death that dissolves our sinue, our fabric, our matter.
Just understand for christ's sake, sown into our flesh is the code for despair-the end of our beginning, the beginning of our end. swallow your death, feel the warm touch of slow decay on your skin-life never feels so real until you know it's gone. Empty satisfaction, gloating over lost happiness.
We all suffer, we all die, we all try to believe there's more and that makes us the fucking cowards that we are- earnestly scrambling away from the inevitable.
Well fuck you, I'm not running anymore. Not playing your fucking game. I smile as the blackness envelops me, happy in my sorrow, clean in the emptiness of forever.

Sex Drugs and Roll

2006-07-07T22:10:00.000+01:00

I said SEX DRUGS AND MORE DRUGS DRUGS DRUGS. THAT'S WHAT i'M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT. LIVING THE FUCKING DREAM.

Just for a moment of peace amidst the storm, Just a moment

2006-07-06T19:39:00.000+01:00

Up at 5.30 am today for my payless work.
Saw my counsellor yesterday with my parents and have decided that I will definitely go to this rehab place in South Africa for 4 weeks. Probably a week on sunday! except I've got an exam retake at the end of august and noone knows when it's gonna be and a dissertation to write and loads of shit to do here. It's all so last minute and the clonazepam I ordered still hasn't arrived. I've got enough left for about 3 days and I will not be able to go to work next week without it-seriously. so I'm gonna have to beg my other doctor to send me a script for some-enough until I go to south africa. Fuck-if he doesn't then I'm fuct, fuct I tell you!
I'm feeling pretty cool and cheers for listening.
Going to the gym.
I've got all this shit to explain away- why Im finishing work experience early, why I can't write my dissertation till a month later, why why why,blah blah. it's just a stupid fucking problem that's controlling my life-if I go I wanna go with a clear head-no fucking worries about dates and fear of failure.
The funny thing is I can't wait for the plane journey because I can get fucked up on free gin and tonics and sleeping pills.
The scary thing is I'll have to go 4 weeks in intensive shit, with a bunch of wasters I don't know...Tough shit.
And I don't have a phone.HAHA!
I'll write something more meaningful over the weekend. I imagine I'll be drunk when I do.
Peace out muthafukkas!

I really, really, have no fucking clue. Just left with a terrible feeling of shame and regret...

2006-07-03T19:35:00.000+01:00

Yeah, I feel great today. Funny but it happens sometimes.
However the weekend was another story altogether and I am trying to forget that I can't remember half of it.
Basically fuct myself at my house bbq on friday, but was okay behaved-(Except stole opium poppies from someone's garden a about 3am to make tea and then stayed up till like 5am talking bollocks)
Saturday started drinking for breakfast-England were playing in the 1/4 finals of the world cup-come on! gotta be up for that with bells on.
so met amigos at a pub and got horrendously fucked-up. Last thing I remember is being drenched in beer whilst throwing pints all over my mate.
I woke up at about 3am with my pockets being picked by two guys-they left me with just enough to get home-cunts. phone etc. stolen.They punched me in the face for good measure too-nice style.
Got home around 6am-slept it off till one pm sunday-brain swimming with humiliation and I just dunno, a sense of impending doom. I've gotta hit rehab someday soon.
I feel so normal today. It's like my evil twin comes out to play and screw with my head whenever I least expect it.
I had my first day of a month's work experience in a property company today-was fine-I felt like I fitted in. hmmm
I don't fucking know who I am anymore
It's been a long fucking time since I did
Staind's song-"It's been a while" sums my sentiments up perfectly.
One minute I'm perfectly happy, and the next I'm lost in some manic bender. I just don't fucking know. These constant mood sings are doing my head in.
I'll get them sorted.
Peace-sorry for the depressing song but it kind of sums up my weekend.

Shaky, but stable. Ready for the carnage.(The Cure this time)

2006-06-29T17:28:00.000+01:00

Fighting the urge to drink is like fighting myself.
Lunch with my mother today and I could hardly breath. Exhaustion exploding inside me. Yawning so hard I almost fell off the chair.
I have done no work and do not intend to, what can wait will wait and 'future me' can suffer whilst I relax and enjoy the rays. Same story, different university.
I still feel rubbish today but sober, which is good, but which can't last.
Tomorrow is another (grueling) day.
The drugs I ordered off the internet haven't arrived yet as they should have done. The panic may soon set in, as I am fuct without my clonazepam-fuct I tell you!
God I want a drink, blow the bars away and set me free, heehe!
The beast is hungry.

(This song rocks-dig the 'drum-hand clap' combo, sweet."Six billion beautiful faces await, but I saw them all before")

Cure Lyrics

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Tuesday, and weekend sickness continues. Drugged cinema dreaming eases me through.(Pearl Jam is here to explain how I feel-thanks)

2006-06-27T21:28:00.000+01:00

Yeah my brothers- rain and heavy colourless skies are no more. I am a cinematic fanatic, doped up on morphine and clonazepam, hiding in my cool darkness, smiling inanely at 30 second flashes of edited trash, scratching the lovely itches that spring from my inner warmth and content.
I saw my counsellor today. Maybe rehab is in order. I just need a break. This year has been hard and I can't continue abusing myself like this and expect a normal fulfilling life. 26 and it's time for the teenage angst to be a thing of the past but it's stronger, more virulent than ever.
I've been a slave to my introversion for too long.
Peace my people,
I love your comments, they really make me feel happy in these silly hazy times.

Pearl Jam Lyrics

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and it all comes crashing down again. Sunday night blues. Sick to my stomach. Praying for unconsciousness

2006-06-26T02:09:00.000+01:00

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I sold my soul to get here. I fucking sold the fucker. I didn't have a fucking choice.

2006-06-26T00:32:00.000+01:00

Staind Lyrics

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alcoholic bliss. (Blinded eyes to see)

2006-06-25T18:41:00.000+01:00

just sitting here- nothing fucking matters, tripped out on a class D and life isn't happening anymore.
I've been here before like it's my home, screwing, screaming, so full my soul is empty. Drip feed me violence, giving a shit, life through a fucking lense.
nothing can make it better- no philosophy, no out-dated theories-the lies no longer take over, no longer draw my attention, I am mine, and nothing more, and life is so incomplete it's power is overwhelming. It's irony no longer risible, it's faceless smile just a joke without a punch line.
I give in, and escape through my mind's eye.
I fucking love you all
Merlin
X...

Metallica.mo hot shit fo yo to vibe wit. Yup damn right

2006-06-25T13:39:00.000+01:00

this song rocks it till the fuckin wheels fall off. Listen you bitches.

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS (Metallica)

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spit it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!Slipknot-fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

2006-06-25T11:49:00.000+01:00

SPIT IT OUT (Slipknot)

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Goo Goo Dolls-when everything is made to be broken. I just want you to know who I am.I fucking love them. deep deep down. Listen.fucks.

2006-06-25T09:58:00.000+01:00

IRIS (LIVE) (Goo Goo Dolls)

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Opium poppy season is upon us.

2006-06-21T21:05:00.000+01:00

I'm surprised by the fact that I haven't posted about these little babies that spring up all over from early June till around mid-August. My parents house in the country is full of them and I can not wait until I get a moment alone with them because they're going straight into the boiling pot to make orgasmic opium tea. Sweet fucking dreams.
They are so beautiful and addictive, I am in love. Officially.
Here are some photos to brighten up my blog.
The seeds I sowed in my garden in London haven't sprouted which is a bitch but I will survive.

Skindred. Dancehall metal! Man just genius, pure genius.

2006-06-19T23:54:00.000+01:00

Just wait for the end, it is an awesome headbanger. For someone who likes reggae, dancehall ragga and metal this is a fucking dream come true.
Nobody gets out alive.
wicked
I'm getting the album, for sure
Listen for fuck's sake
noone ever plays my music videos-they're there for a reason godammit!!!

NOBODY (Skindred)

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Poetry of the passing

2006-06-19T19:39:00.000+01:00

Years like days, like widows-black shrowds,
growth stunted and playing to the crowds
monkey on a string for the puppet master
The haunting is the hardest part.
My heart beats faster...

another cold grey day with my window wide and my eyes tight shut,
the wind is my past and my heart is fuct,
it grows in me-this sadness for the loss of my youth
I'm relapsing through rememberance, facing the truth.

Damn shadows of people I knew- their eyes in my lense
drinking and laughing, I assume they're my friends,
these memories still hurt me like I'm on the other side of the world
these ghosts of voices from before I grew old.

I'm feeling so mortal, my eyes bloated from tears
been sitting here so long and can't turn back the years
but
Fuck it, I'm more than I've ever been
not living on borrowed time, not just living the dream.
Fuck it, my lowest point is my past
this life is a race and I refuse to be last

Take it, your false ideas of greener grass
I'm not reliving your dreams, not mourning a farce
Take it, I don't want this burden anymore
this cancer, this tumor, the smiles I never saw

Blah blah! you get the idea, I'm moving on
Basically-screw nostalgia-it's a fucking lie.

Keep on making memories
peace.

Big Youth- Life is a ghetto

2006-06-16T11:01:00.000+01:00

Wow! I've been moaning like a bitch recently-just lots of shit happening at once-had to be vented.
Anyway here's a cool tune- makes you thankful and shit for what you got, and shows that you can have nothing and still be happy- you win either way
You are your own worst and only enemy.
Peace to all you struggling headcases,
Merlin
X
Today I am a happy man.

IN THE GHETTO (Big Youth)

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Fuck everything. The source. Children of Bodom.

2006-06-14T23:24:00.000+01:00

NEEDLED 24/7 (Children Of Bodom)

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It's all over but the crying.

2006-06-14T22:46:00.000+01:00

Wake up, the world's fuct and all there is in me used up and fooled and suffocated by choices and faults and stupid neurotic reasons for not doing and doing and I'm tied to this arrow-shot to the sky and the downfall is all there is to come. the grand finale of screaming wind and dismembered earth. Fuck it all. Fuck you all. It's a damn shame but there's nothing to be done-just a scrap of microfilm of life of organism that doesn't make sense that's pathetic that's let everyone down that's hiding and forced to come out.
Can't please anything anyone, shudder, splinter, empty, fuct-like the world like your beliefs like any reason for being here like rage like war-indeterminate hatred and sorrow and pity and loss. Loss for something I never had.
Paint your face, at shadows smile.
Just so defeated. It beggars belief. Nothing can make it better, a lifetime left to mourn my loss. A lifetime left to fail. No time left to be me. An H-bomb shadow crawling across the wall-too late for relief, too late for safety. Just another lonely soul pasted against the fabric of history, his time not yet past his prayers not yet answered, his failing desire, failing smile, empty eyes, spittle dribble decay stench rotten stomach dead brain fluid bleak.
It's all over but the crying.

The joys of drug rehab-Fear and self-loathing in London

2006-06-12T00:11:00.000+01:00

No drugs, no emotion, no life

2006-06-11T23:44:00.000+01:00

Maybe I'm wrong.
I want it. To lose the bingeing and the denial and the stupidity.
This is me.
I'm scared.
Will I change? I don't know. Do I really want to?
So hot. Want comfortable decor and drip feed.
Want breeze and smiles.
Want end to paranoia.
Want, need, crumbling mess of nerves and exhaustion.
Fear of emotion. No obliteration anymore, just life and me. My mind drilling shadows through my soul, no barriers incessant tired shut up
end it
fade away
dream dream dream, bloody skies, dead hugs and empty gesture
I want the cage
safe
pointing, laughing, throw away the key
suffer, scream, starve, forget, collapse,
breathe, trust, friendship, sunshine, free
I am longing
I am fear
I am hope

Iron Fuckin' Maiden!

2006-06-09T20:35:00.000+01:00

Let he that have understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a huge number. It's number is 666

2006-06-09T20:31:00.000+01:00

This fucking rocks!!
God bless british metal and the omen.

THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST (LIVE) (Iron Maiden)

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Life-Is it there to humour us before we die? Voices from the unheard. Alexisonfire!

2006-06-09T12:16:00.000+01:00

ACCIDENTS (Alexisonfire)

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Blink 182 - Fucking funny. I'm 26 and I still love this shit

2006-06-09T08:46:00.000+01:00

WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN? (Blink 182)

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"I was born a long way from where I'm supposed to be, so I suppose I'm on my way home"- Bob Dylan

2006-06-09T08:18:00.000+01:00

I've just started to find the corners of the pages in the book of my life, just learnt to turn the page and move on. I feel a "change is gonna come" but who knows how long it will take 'till I find my 'home'- somewhere I belong physically as well as spiritually.
If life is a box of chocolates it seems like mine all look great but taste of coffee or that other shite flavour- violet?not sure. Anyway, everyone can find the one they like but I'd just got fed up of feeling sick of eating the shit that I forgot that it could be another way. There's sweetness out there and I'm gonna find it. Do all the shit, swallow the shards of glass, the bitter pill of humility and discover the happiness of cleanliness, freedom from separation, isolation and introversion.
My mind is made up and that counts.
I never want to be tired again, never again locked in the sand with the tide coming in.
I crush the bulb that lit up the fears of this world in my hand and taste the blood- the gruesome pleasure of living in the darkness of ignorance mixing with my healing body.

Morphine sleep

2006-06-06T23:27:00.000+01:00

Ya' just to remind myself that I got proper mash-up friday, saturday and sunday. fell asleep on the floor at a friend's flat party- too much morphine- drunk all day sunday, friday-just slumped half-eye open in front of the TV. Good times, one day at a time. all finished now. what next?
The devil and the deep blue me.

"All my friends got flowers in their eyes, but I've got none this season./All of last years blooms have gone and died,time doesn't give a reason"

2006-06-06T22:55:00.000+01:00

Sunny days, meant for freedom and it's all so good until you remember you're still trapped, the sunlight just animating your confines. Still a lot to do and I'm not sure where it's all going. How can you make plans when they depend on so much that you have so little control over?
Another failure today, and although expected, sadness flooded in again, cemented resolve to do better, to be better. I will be what they want, not for them, but for me. Tired of these endless years of fading hopes, so unsure as to where it is all leading. What path? Why raise expectation when they have fallen so many times before?
"I don't wanna be an angel, but I'm nothing, I'm nothing if I'm not this high."(Counting Crows)
I don't want to be special, but normality is just a kick in the guts, and escapism is all I need to be someone. But I'll never be someone until I can take the pain that so many others suffer and yet hide away. It's all I hope for, and sometimes the worry is just too much. Thank God for Clonazepam. Thank fucking God. I don't know where I'd be without it.
Wash away the fear and the fury.
Sunshine, and my cell.
Beauty, and the beast.
Tomorrow is a new day, the start of a new life, one where I hold the fucking strings.

Iraq, Bush, Britney Spears

2006-06-02T15:37:00.000+01:00

My lullaby of carbon monoxide

2006-06-02T15:12:00.000+01:00

Slam that fucker for the last time, grip the rubber remembrance of the reasons you're here- your wasted life, tear into it's cheapness- show the world there's courage in a crippled shadow yet.
Fulfil the drill until the carpet softens and old paintings and cigarettes waft through your tangled intellect, a confused, misty grave where your dreams float- trapped by pre-programmed glass and grim intent. Life never tasted so good, sweet and warm- with eyes heavy more memories explode and force themselves into you subconscious.
Just let go, that's all there is to do. Now it's too late. You cant even die like a man you fucking coward, your pained attempt at a statement and there's nothing but the children to watch and question as you clamber against the gummy insides of eye lids and disappearing sinew.
This wasn't meant to happen, who shat in my life and forced my hand?
Knock knock.
Silence.
Knock Knock.
Silence.
Knock Knock.
Please. we didn't mean it.

Sizzla - Pure chill. Listen-it will affect your day.

2006-06-01T18:51:00.000+01:00

Not his best song but fucking videocodezone.com is pretty mainstream, but hey, what can you do?
Peace
X

THANK YOU MAMMA (Sizzla)

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Sometimes you've gotta stop asking "why?" and start asking "How?"

2006-06-01T18:18:00.000+01:00

They didn't have "I want everything" by Def Leppard but I'm in 'sis mood today and this song...whatever............

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING IDLE (Oasis)

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Sometimes it doesn't pay to keep fighting,and it may not feel great to give in either. All I want is everything, and it's taken me a long time to realise that that's never gonna happen. I've fought with myself and everyone around me, exhausted by the pressure of reality stamping on my needs. I'm tired of fighting, tired of pretending I don't care, fuck it, I'm tired of not being who I could be. Life's not a bitch but it's a real piece of work and pretending it doesn't exist through drugs isn't the way forward. It just makes it the worst fucking nightmare. Hating is exhausting.
I still want everything,
I will never get it, but maybe I'll learn to be happy some other way.
Anyone else been reading self-help books recently?! I haven't by the way.

Don't worry

2006-05-31T13:40:00.000+01:00

dismiss the last post I was a little angry - I didn't mean it all, if anyone reading this took it literally then don't

And so it goes...

2006-05-30T22:16:00.000+01:00

RIGHT NOW (Korn)

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Play this video when you read this post, it says it the way it is.
I am hurt and confined, bubbling rage and insane contempt. The story is of everday, but as tensions in my life twist around themselves, wringing my loathing and pain into a scorching destructive, and menacingly dangerous weapon.
Just one more comment from a self-righteous shithole that laughingly goes by the name of James. I cannot speak what I feel for him, we will pass from time to time and perhaps a smile will pass over my lips, perhaps I will forgive but I will never forget. His pointless, flat existence shames his weak petulant body, the soft souless vehicule from which spout his outtcries of abuse and malignation. Fuck him, his family and every soul that may have ever(my mind boggles!)found comfort in his company.
I wish him all the fucking pain and hurt and grief and shame and terrible loss this world can possibly offer.
Fuck him, and fuck you if you so as much as like this fucking shithead-I wish murder was legal more than ever.
Cunt cunt cunt cunt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And fuck those that laugh with him. You're all dumb arseholes. get the fuck out of my face unless you want my fucking knife cutting raw hunks of meat out of your shit-filled faces.
I am hate.

Linkin Park - Reporting from Inside my head

2006-05-29T18:26:00.000+01:00

MY DECEMBER (Linkin Park)

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I love this song-I hadn't heard it much until I got hit by it in the car on my ipod shuffle.
I feel terrible. I can't remember much-gin and juice doing its stuff as per usual.
I have just crunched through 90mg's of Morphine and 20mg's of valium. A last ditch effort at feeling good. Listen to this song-it speaks louder than words. This is my December.

Tired of sleep.

2006-05-23T15:46:00.000+01:00

Sixteen hours, so little has changed and good riddance to another wasted day. Sixteen hours wrapped in the arms of sleep and I'm hurting and afraid, angry and sad. I have no control and this is it for me, the drudgery of shit, shave shower and hunt for food, clambering through the detritus of age old happiness and finding nothing but blank looks and a fuck you for being late.
A draw full of short-term solutions and good times sits there so damn powerful. So much to do and so much time, but it must be done - not today, today is sitting wondering what should have been if I were more, if I were not fucking pinned to lethargy and introversion and sad hours alone fighting my urges and sick repercussions for my sins.
Tired once more. Tired of running. Tired of answers. Shivering to the cold bone inside me. fed up. Just fed up.

Living in pieces. One day at a time.

2006-05-22T19:46:00.000+01:00

I'm just tired, that's it, tired. Also suffering from my excesses last weekend. Blah, just tired. Another 2 hours left of my class this evening. This is the break. Back to work.
I will write tomorrow. find some nice tunes to put on.
Just tired.Tired. Tired.
Peace.

Life's a bitch then you die?!

2006-05-18T17:19:00.000+01:00

Life can be a turd at times and I was gonna put on a video by Nas - You know "life's a bitch and then you die" - but I found this song instead. Put a smile on my face. Click on the link.

BRIDGING THE GAP (Nas)

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My game

2006-05-18T16:31:00.000+01:00

What a day for a daydream, the window is pretty and the feeling in my head is tasty. It's such a good day to think about the inside- the silly niggles and nodules of interest that are pushed aside. I'm happy to sit and I feel it is all accomplished- all round and shiny and empty. No emotion just empty smile and eyes filled with retreat. Hours are days and who am i to care when there is nothing to care about. Lie down and submerge, gulp crunch drink, just enough to continue inside, tunneling to your soft touches and to forget.
It's all so easy in my dreams, like playing games. Games where I play myself, I can always win when it's good. Lose when it's bad, and it's always bad in the end. But when it's good it's very good.
Crunch, gulp, swallow. Chew on a grim future. But what's a future when there's no time, no today, no now. All my game, my war-game, my battle.
With my gun over my shoulder I flail in the mist, trying to find myself when I'm too happy to care if I do or not. It's a war and I don't care.
I'm warm and beautiful and all I see is pity.

Codeine itch. I'm all itchy-nice itch, itchy-witch,yaha!

2006-05-04T23:49:00.000+01:00

I'm free again. wooee!! Done my exams so am suffering from alcohol poisoning again. well actually I drunk a load of codeine aswell so spent the day in bed. HMM, all is still clutching to the edge of good, and cheer is not far away, weekend on it's way and holiday sun fun too.

Anyway, here's a link to a song that I love, by HIM a Danish band that kicks ass. a bit cheesy but hey, if you're feeling solitary this song is a great pick me up. Goth rock rocks! Something to listen to when you're checking out my site. Who knows.

It's also obvious that I've just learnt how to put music on this blog, the choice is limited but I'm doing my best-ho hum.

As for me, am starting to feel a bit warm and fluffy, scratch scratch. Into tomorrow; Tomorrow, hand in hand with my little phosphate friend, skip skipping- discovering new worlds, new people, new shit.

This is the new shit. Bring it on...

SOLITARY MAN (H.I.M.)

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I'M NOT A SLAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-05-04T20:11:00.000+01:00

THE FIGHT SONG (Marilyn Manson)

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Bubbly, honey goodness...

2006-05-03T07:35:00.000+01:00

Glowing feelings of grinning pride and sunshine smiles, life is sat in my hand gurgling and soft, lighting the road with toothy grins and back-slapping cheeriness. Flowers blossom in my guts and joy of spring sprouts shoot through my tendons sweeping, dust and broom-like through my toxic body spreading trails of warmth.
Bright and early and torching my way through the final day of exams, open hearted and clean - fresh like watermelon and gift-wrapped in carefree.
Bring it on, my day is already made.
May it be like this forever.
Happy 'rainbow rythms' to all of you out there,
Two fingers to you all in the nicest sense of those words!
Merlin
One step closer to the fire...

Six weeks to live

2006-05-02T05:49:00.000+01:00

I just woke and the smell of living made the world stand on end, my walk to the shop had me thnking of feet and the drab smell of existence. Everything so strong and dominating forcing its way into my experience without thought for my feelings. I never wanted this, I never knew till it was too late, never new failure till I had crossed the finishing line. Children spin and fall and stand up tall and I'm just too tall to remember who I used to be. I'm just travelling too fast, and with too many memories and regrets for this day to ever be more than just a scratch in the fabric of my fall into nothing.
Play you lucky fuckers, I'll just watch this time, because today there's no hurry, no rush to meet my deadline, because six weeks to live is just enough to let you know that there's no gain in worry.
Rotting feet and grey cold mornings. Ploughed fields and scarecrow sqwarkings. Clocks ticking and bread for the dawning of a new day. I just want more of this,this elegant parade of purpose, this march to the music of time, this play that will contnue after I am gone.
Six weeks of what?
I'll never know.

Brain food

2006-04-30T19:25:00.000+01:00

I've been doing the same thing for 3 weeks without break, it's like I imagine prison to be, an endless cycle of self-deprivation, of forcing yourself into positions your body cries out against. Over and over and over, and I still don't know if it's for any good reason. I fail, I re-do, I fail I am fuct. God, just so bored and tired. 3 days left, 3 days of abstinence, 3 days of cramped rooms and smudged pride.
My brain hurts. My stomach is sick from nerves, and I'm sure I'm gonna get an ulcer.
3 days, 3 days, 3 days and then I'll re-enter what I used to call the world. Just 3 days to hold on.
Just 3 days, come on brain- get me through this wanky week and I'll let you take the next off, I swear....For me....Please.
3 days.
God.

Grey

2006-04-29T00:08:00.000+01:00

Scrape the surface and the lie is revealed. Just shovel away the attempts at discovery and uncover the truth behind the black curtain of rationality. Windswept, grey fields of science sway in the stale air of denial, lying to the cereal that feeds our minds. Once twice three times we hang on to a dream that dies inside everyone of us every time we swallow our forcefed sleep.
Drink liquor to make the pill taste less bitter, but the warmth of sleep and illusion just rises like bread to the surface of our hearts and forces the question. Why?
With denial time passes, while the murmurs of discontent grow inside, boiling, breeding, foaming over- spilling into our waking lives. One day no amount of chemicals will be able to hide the dark cloud of sobriety and truth that pervades and swallows our happy squalor. I look and avoid eye contact with the truth, but life is nothing without fear, great insurmountable mountains of truth and sharp blades of condemnation that will be our downfall.
Lie to me, make me happy.
Truth, if it exists, will prove nothing. Except it's obsolescence.
Thank you.

So cold, so warm

2006-04-28T13:48:00.000+01:00

Beam, shine, run colours run, I don't watch. Everyone does. I shiver in your shower and life runs dark and thick through my blue, blotched veins.
Is this beautiful? Red burn and shallow touch. No go zones and fenced in.
Crunch, crack, worlds spin in me and fall through my eyes, expanding spheres dripping the dreariness of every day. Pinned down, my feet scream for release and urge my spirit till it hurts and sniggers. If this is it, why isn't it over? Pins screech through air and slice thin skin,closed umbrellas weep in fetid cubicles, living out their deterioration in hope- never to arrive.
Suck my teeth, hold my breath, fire up my eyes and start the game again. Lock the door, smell the stench and feel the familiar loathing detachment.
Grit my teeth, hurt so hard the street pulses with rebellion. Stamp my waves into the world, heat the yellow ice tugging at my heart and burn a memory into the past that is life.

Fuck me, I'm all out of enemies!!!!

2006-04-18T23:07:00.000+01:00

Today, haha!! lotsa people finding my blog because of my last post having the word drugs in-must be a shame not to find something more down their street.

Today I've done my drugs alright. Nothing illegal, but fuck - a little bit makes the world go round.make mesense? Yup, I overdid my gym stuff and it kicked in by the time I got back home and I was bouncing off the walls - like speed in overdrive. heart beating out of my chest, pupils massive - i got some valium so not so bad but if not would not have been good. I'm wide awake and my work is non-existent-

I'm kinda chilled today also, strange whilst being so high but I dunno - I think I can do my work in time so laying back tonight.

It's funny, this is the reason for my post title (thanks Slipknot!), but with no anger or rage I am emptying slowly,
Tomorrow maybe they'll return, the enemies in my soul, my demons and bile. But for now fuck it. God giveth and he doth whatever!!
Look, I'm always interested to know whether depressive goth rock stars like Billy Corgan and the like would be happy if they were happy? If they were happy then they wouldn't have had anything to write about and so wouldn't have become famous. Huh?
Putting it out there.....

Norm life baby. (Just say no kids)

2006-04-18T16:51:00.000+01:00

"Norm life baby, we're white and so hetero and our sex is missionary,
Norm life baby, we're quiters and we're sober our conditions will be televised,

You and I run the coast and we're ready to fall - raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all,
WE'RE TAUGHT TO BE NOTHING!!!!!

I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me,
.......

Norm life baby, God is white and unforgiving and we're piss-tested and we're praying,
Norm life baby, I'm just a sensitive soul, made to look just like a human being,
Norm life baby, we're rehab'd and we're ready for our 15 minutes of shame,
Norm life baby, we're touching and we're pointing just like christians at a suicide,

We're raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all,
WE'RE TAUGHT TO BE NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me....."

But hell dude, I love Mr.Manson! I may not live in the good ol' US of A but I know what it's like to have the system try to crush your individuality-We are taught to be nothing- to follow the fucking leader, to assimilate and submit. We're all shacked by the force of our fears. To tow the fucking line. Fuck it.
The drugs bit I can associate with but hey that's another story.
Maybe it's only the people who feel outcast, disillusioned by society that take drugs, or maybe visa versa? Hmmm. Interesting point.
I'm going to do my fucking very best.
I will refuse to submit-maybe.
You have to be strong, so strong.
I suppose time will tell.

Aching for change

2006-04-17T20:54:00.000+01:00

Yo my people- I just need to get this off my chest. "money, money, money - Root of all evil." Nope not really- I think the word 'estoppel' actually IS. I have just spent 7 hours studying law jargon and I am swiftly losing the will to live. This is my idea of heaven- no-not THE ROOM! PLEASE, noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, if I see that revising tomb again things will get messy. I started getting paranoid hallucinations yesterday about mathematical equations- way too much caffeine me thinks.
Yeah, I'm over and out for the day,
I go back to London tomorrow- back to the root of all evil, my hometown, my place of messy memory. Ho hum- will I be so good there- I doubt it - How many times have I said on this blog that I will not secumb to temptation- countless. This time I really am fuct if I do so let's see.

God damn my back hurts.
I need a drink. Maybe a beer to start?
NO! can't. hehe.
No, it's cool, all is cool.

"Money in my pocket but I just can't get no love-dedada-dedumdum" Holy crap I love reggae. check out burning spear's blog at burningspear.blogspot.com- really nice chilled vibes. He'd maka great president - legalise the 'erb etc.

Let's speak soon bredren.
Zoot__________
Skylarkin' - thank you lord for what you've done for me-dedummm.Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Forgive him his ramblings he knowns not what he does.

Gotta go- I can't fail more shit

Just human (but always guessing - see photo.Hmm.)

2006-04-15T23:31:00.000+01:00

I know, I know Jack Johnson again, but I'm stressed to death and am of a lyrical inclination of late. I find he chills me, so here's an interesting quote from the begining of a song of his- I like it, maybe you will too:

"I heard this old story before, where the people'd keep calling for the metaphors,
but don't leave much up to the imagination,
so I wanna give this imagery back but no it ain't so easy like that so,
I turn the page, read the story again, and again, and again...

Sure seems the same, with a different name,
We're breaking and rebuilding and we're growing always guessing,

Never knowing,
we're shocking but we're nothing,
we're just moments, we're clever but we're clueless,
we're just human, amusing and confusing.

We're trying, but where is this all leading?
We'll never know,
We'll never know."

It goes on like that. Gets better too but I'm exhausted so peace out my brethren. another day beckons me to bedfordshire.

If

2006-04-15T12:29:00.000+01:00

Rudyard Kipling
If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

I just love this damn poem.
Enjoy
X

Apology

2006-04-14T20:01:00.000+01:00

Just to say sorry about all my recent emotional outbreaks of late- Not that I regret them - It's just that I have a lot of shit going on and I'm finding it hard to deal with and I just need to vent it- ya' know?
Cheers for the patience-to whomever it may concern
Merlin X
Peace.

Wear sunscreen

2006-04-14T19:26:00.000+01:00

Yup- Something was going to set me off in the car on the way to my parents. That damn song-actually I like it but fuck it touched some raw nerves.
I spent the next half hour blubbing-I dunno why- just down from some red bull shit i took when I went to the gym this morning. Brought up loads of shit about repression and hate and frustration and why it should all be so avoidable but how it just isn't. Everyday we fuck about constantly looking to the past for our pleasure when we should be living in the now, not fucking wingeing and moaning about how crap everything is and being so hateful and resentful and angry.
I just looked at myself and realised that I'm never going to be this young again, never have this many opportunities or choices in life again. I need/ we all need to just be happy with who we are and try to forgive ourselves all the shameful, hateful, selfish, fucked-up things we've done to ruin the gift that is our lives and to make a fucking go of it while there's still time because there's not going to be another chance. Ever.
When I cry I just see an endless pit of hatred and shame and guilt and frustration and longing and I just feel myself drowning in the shit that I've built up behind my eyes and I get so scared that if there's that much shit heaped up ready for me to drown in by now-how much will there be when I'm dead?
It's true that there are friends you will never see again, places you will never see again, or things you will never experience again how ever hard you might try, you just have to say fuck it and look forward and just express and don't repress. It's a fucked-up place this world but being a bunch of bitter cowards isn't going to make it any better.
smile.
Over and out-
Merlin XXX
(Here's a link if you want read the "sunscreen"shpeal.
http://colleenscorner.com/Poetry4.html)

That's me told.

2006-04-12T14:45:00.000+01:00

I had a little chat with a flatmate and apparently my mash-up antics have been noted and are not endearing me to those others around me. I was told that I should go talk to someone.I have noone and can't afford to pay. I was told my behaviour could become a problem if it continues this way.
I know. I'm so so sorry. I just wish I'd go away. I just want more thanI can ever know. I detest my angst and loneliness, and motherfucking impotence, my fetid evil wasted cunting nothingness. I just don't know what's going to make me able to bare it all.
I just fucking hate it, you me it fucking all!!fucking everything and if I can't get shitted all the time I'm as fucked in the arse by this world as the grey, faceless, dead men you see walking to work everyday. Ignorant cunts. Maybe I hate their harmless stupidity.
Ignorance truly is bliss. I hate them/loathe them out of pure jealousy and pity for my constant lonely cracked thrashing spirit. "Put me in the fucking hole."("A Million little pieces". Frey. J.)

Starting all over

2006-04-12T14:15:00.001+01:00

I was reborn today. The sun is shining- not for the first time, but it felt like something i'd never known. I'm back in town after a narcotic induced daydream. I have shit to do. God I'm so boring when
I'm listening to Jack Johnson-aaa-how unusual. great however. shower and dreams of smoking on thai beaches, reading trash happy in the knowledge that it doesn't fucking matter. nothing fucking matters.
However good it gets in my little chameleon shell/life/home town it'll never be that good. I fell asleep crying last night. I'd spent the day sleeping at my desk trying to revise. Today I woke up-and it's different. Now I have an urge to get high on coke. funny huh? I'm def a downers guy but I'm never the same. never. never.
One day I want it all-the black sleep and the comfort, another I need experience; our silly, pointless shit excites me and I want to make it my own. I'm a funny fucker and I'm glad I have myself to share this with.
I am the only person that has to live with myself.

The end of the begining ,or the begining of the end?

2006-04-09T17:35:00.000+01:00

This may be the first post I have written on a weekend- right in the heart of the dull craziness. (It took me 3 efforts to write 'heart' just then!). Anyways, Friday, I went to a crap party so left early and was well-behaved as far as I can rememer! Saturday, took 60 mg's of morphine 20 mg's valium and a rohypnol. I thought I was ok so I went out to meet some friends for drinks, the sun being out and all that shit. However on the way I had a go on some cough mixture I got fom the chemist which realy fuct me up and after about 2 hours of drinking I started falling asleep and drifting off, nice at home but not very polite when you're trying to chat up some fit girl!
Anyway I got shat on by my friend today. Ho hum. Anyway,because I have lots of work to do for the rest of April I ate the rest of my morphine today and am having a few beer and benzos. I keep drifting away and forgetting what's real. It's fun. I feel great today and am glad that the temptation to get screwed is no longer there. All I'm scared of are the withdrawals. I've been taking that shit a lot, more than I have before so I have no idea what to expect. Fingers crossed!

I hope you guys had a good weekend
Stay happy,
Merlin the Man
X

My future comes right back to haunt me...

2006-04-05T11:18:00.000+01:00

I thought I'd kicked it- two days-nothing-sleep and sleep. slow and crappy. today I wake-it's good so i take more morphine and here I am writing to try to prove something. I don't fucking know- I should be high but I'm just scared of the repercussions of all this shit. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I'm going away for the weekend so should be drug-free.
I just wish time would freeze, wait for me to get ready. I just don't have enough time and feel that my life is one big scramble to be prepared, a rush to fit in all the nothingness so that it can become something. Instead I'm watching it blur past and all I have are sedatives to slow me so I don't erupt with fear and incomprehension and impotence.
No control.
Where is my future?
I don't care, because the pills just kicked in.
Yup. you heard me. Quote me "happy".
Time for a bit of me time.harumpffff.
I'm not always like this. I can be a nice guy. I just write the shit stuff in here.
None of my friends, or anyone I know, know about this blog.
It's my own private scream.
But today. I'm just----

I tried to give and I just couldn't take it; I tried to love and I turned round and hated it.

2006-04-04T19:53:00.000+01:00

I am still so tired after last weekend. I managed to scrape myself off the mattress at 2.30pm today. went to the gym and lasted zero-time. I was gonna work but just want to sleep.
music gives me nothing either. It'll take a couple of days for the morphine to leave my body,and then the revision starts. and then I'll finish the rest of my morphine-probably- never learn from your mistakes seems to be my subconscious motto. ho hum.

No time but my next post will be decent.
drug free
Just say no kids.
But if not say YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

Out of control

2006-04-03T12:26:00.000+01:00

Another weekend gone and I fucking can't stand myself! No ability whatsoever to control my fucking primal instincts. I still have all this morphine bouncing aound my room making friends with my downers. I'm being ganged up on. I waited so long for then to arrive and now I don't know. I want them so badly, but I'm getting hooked fast. It's kinda scary. I'm meant to be revising for my exams in a couple of weeks and I have this constant temptation hanging over me.
I had a huge night on Friday-I took some morphine and then went out to supper with friends=great. Got drunk and went back to a mate's flat where we all boshed a load of coke. The first time in a while so was fantastic.
anyway, went home- got robbed on the way-only a tenner tho- and stayed up making a mix tape. passed out and woke at 10pm the next day, then back to bed till 12pm sunday. And guess what- I somehow ended up taing 90mg's morphine 3 rohypnol, 1 zopidem and a bottle of wine, and I can't remember much after that. tada!

Another big fat memory blank- no damn idea. I'm fed up with the haze and annoyed that the morphine isn't working so well anymore- need to stop to build up tolerance again but get sick and can't wait, blah, blah! also have to study but with all this shit washing around my head it's kinda hard...
that's another reason why I haven't been writing-I've been too chilled out/boring/lazy/etc.
watch this space.

There's a hole in our soul that we've filled with dope, and we feel fine.

2006-03-27T21:33:00.000+01:00

So, monday walks into my life again. I woke and I didn't know. I knew I'd got messed up but I didn't know when or how. On Friday I got fucked up- celebrations for finishing some project. Happiness=self-destruction. of course. I got home and and my morphine and rohypnol had arrived so I took a shit load and fell asleep. I woke up and couldn't pee because of the opiates and my head felt like hell. It was fun. I went back to sleep and got up at 6pm. I had plans to meet my buddy to see hostel the movie but like no fucking way can I see that when I've been chucking my guts up all afternoon. Anyway, saw some forgetable movie and went home. Slept Sunday,sat around in my pyjamas and got high and drunk and generally fuct-up pigged out and did dick-all. got a call from a friend who I said I would see so forced myself to see her. slept with her. well done will-power!
Yeah so now I'm drunk, sedated and tired and full and still high from the morphine I took on saturday.
Fuck everything. I have nothing to do, nothing to do woopee!
that's all I can be fuct to say.
maybe tomorrow,
fuck fuck fuck.
I'm so full of dopamine I don't ever want to come down.
God bless Glaxosmithkline
and Karachi
Yup. Hmmmm.

The people we become will never be the people that we are.

2006-03-21T23:41:00.000+01:00

So, another week and the mood's sky high. Strange feeling but being busy brushes the blues away. No time to think, only time to focus on the page straight ahead. I have been so busy and it feels great, I'm not crying into my darkened room and the cold wind doesn't burn me so much. I'm high but experience teaches me that it can't last. Maybe it will. I hope it will, but I really don't feel like I deserve it. I suppose that's always the problem. I just can't stand feeling good. Too much energy, too much life (?).
Fuck it, I didn't fail my paper today and spring is coming. My term has almost ended and maybe, just maybe I'm looking forward to shedding my skin and becoming someone worthy of respect. It's funny how in a way the idea of belonging again scares me. It's been so long since I looked in the mirror and saw an identity. The fear of change, even if for the better, is always going to be there for all of us.
I've got a load of morphine and rohypnol coming soon so maybe I'll slump when it arrives but let's hope I don't. There's a friend's party on Thursday too. Hmm. Suddenly the road has pitfalls. It'll be ok.
Sure it will.
Funny that last Friday I was planning my own funeral in my head. So matter of factly. Who would come, where it would be. Would I want a song played. Would I be allowed a funeral if it was suicide.
Shit, that seems an age away.
So many people inside me, fighting to get out...

Nail in my hand, from my creator.

2006-03-16T23:45:00.000+01:00

That's just how it feels. Iron driven through weak flesh to make me a slave to the demands of what he has made. I tried and I failed today. when there's a light, there's a light to trick you. Trick you into a false sense of understanding with the world. I had just decided, taken the leap of faith to the point where I could actually see a future for myself. A house, a career a group of friends who gave a shit and now it's all been pissed up against the wall.
One fail is all it takes to start slipping. The lack of failure up to this point has been a miracle. Now all I know is that neither am I academically bright enough to do this course but, as I have known for a long time, I am far from being socially competent enought to cross the finish line with anything more than a 'thanks you came'.
I'm not angry at the moment-tho I was shaking with failure before- but that may be because of the booze and xanax and zolpidem I just took. If you can't beat 'em join 'em.
I really don't know. I'll keep trying to pass this course, for whatever reason, to put a smile back on the faces of my much maligned parents.
I'm ordering 30* 30mg tabs of morphine sulphate tonight and I can't wait to get them! I have no money but these things are priceless. I kid you not. you should get some if you can. But I doubt you can,HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! All fucking mine, mine, mine, so FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, this is how I am
get high, or go home,
adios
CUNTS

Peace my fools!

2006-03-15T20:44:00.000+01:00

Wednesday night comes around. Sorry about the lack of postage going on of late but my computer's been fucking up. so there.
Hmm. I feel good today, and had the first beer since the thrashing I inflicted on myself last weekend. Yeah, the pain is over so the good times are starting again- the circle of life continues unabaited. Tomorrow I'll be dying for a drink and then it'll be friday again. I will go home on saturday to stop the inevitable carnage that is a saturday night. I can never tell what's going to happen.maybe I'll be too hung over on saturday. Hmm? The world is full of big decisions isn't it!
Smile and the world smiles with you, or so they say, maybe the world just get's paranoid and messes you up.
half empty, half full? where are you?
My neck hurts.
Maybe a sleeping pill?
Why is it that when I feel clean I feel empty?
Why do I feel the need to fill myself with filth. Poison.?
Maybe I don't like experiencing. Maybe clarity is too much information. Maybe I don't want to think about anything. Maybe I just want to feel good without understanding why.
Perhaps the only way to feel good, is to purge yourself of goodness.
Become one with the blind and heartless.

My chemical romance.

2006-03-13T23:58:00.000+01:00

Um. How do I start? This weekend has been a real eye-opener for me. Not in that I have done anything different, but in what I have discovered. I slept like a junkie last night, two sleeping pills and still I woke up this morning feeling like I'd run the fucking marathon. So helplessly tired and emotionally drained I could hardly get out of bed let alone work or function as a human being. Being close to tears from waking must have been due to terrifying dreams I fortunately cannot remember. So tired, worried, bored. I had a couple of drinks and had some valium and it all started to come back together. Thank fuck. Now just the exhaustion to deal with.
I did not one minute of work. It plays on my mind. I'll do it tomorrow. I hope. I meant not to drink, but this evening Ive had a bottle of wine. Nice chat in the kitchen but it's not going to put a smile on my face tomorrrow.
My weekend was good. Met some friends on Friday and got drunk. was cool, spent too much money, same shit, same shit.
Saturday, hair of the dog. Same shit, same shit.
Sunday, spent the day recording music back onto my computer that's fucked up again, even after £40 worth of rehab.
fuck it
I feel shit and I vow this will be one weekend I actualy learn from.

Dead man walking...

2006-03-10T12:36:00.000+01:00

It all started at an early age.
My friend's sister sold drugs. I was ok, but neither was I happy, nor ever noticeably unhappy, just kind of existing I suppose. I tried them and I wanted more. I had never felt happiness like it. Taking drugs like ecstacy and drinking made me feel whole. I would crash but I didn't care, all I knew was that this was the only means I had of feeling in control, of feeling like I imagined my friends to be feeling, day to day.
It was all good until I left boarding school. No rules, no boundaries and it's been the same ever since. I've tried everything, just to be happy. I've listed what they are on an earlier post. I'm better but I have no identity. I have no job, I'm a student, and I see no future and I suppose alcohol and everything else just erases that. I don't care, just so long as I can obliterate myself, and my fear and shame at what, and who I am.
Today is friday again and I have a party organised around my place. I don't want to, but I can't control it. I will be a fool because that's my mask. And I'll be treated like one, which I suppose is better than being ignored.
I'm just tired.
I'll keep you guys informed as to how it goes. Hopefully I won't grope anyone or pass out or any shit like that. I'll be different today, just like everyday.

Buy CD compilations from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-09T22:13:00.000+01:00

Fuck it I'm gonna have a beer

2006-03-09T22:07:00.000+01:00

Yup, just fed up of my flatmates ignoring me. 7 months and this is how it is. I just don't get on with any of them. We don't argue but that's not always enought to make you hate someone. Silence isn't golden if you're holding it inside-thanks for that line Axl. Yup I'm gonna get a beer and get high because tomorrow I might die.

Music for the people?

2006-03-09T21:39:00.000+01:00

Aaah, 4 days without an attempt at destroying my brain cells. Maybe that' s why I feel so wierd? Anyway, I suppose I did take a couple of sleeping pills last night. My ex-on/off- girlfriend basically told me that I was groping all her friends at her birthday party. Fuck. I remember perving on them beause they're fit but I didn't think I was that wasted. Anyway, I was, and she told me. I'm just fucking fed up with making a fool of myself at these damn parties. I can't take my booze because of all the pills I'm on and so I just lose it. I'm getting a reputation, and I don't like it. Soon I'll be like the guy in the photo (inset). No career, no friends, no self-respect. hey- not much different from now!
Anyway, I love music above all things in this world- even morphine- and I want to start a business where I make CD compilations for people and sell them on the internet. I have so much music and knowledge I could really make it happen. I can take payment through paypal and they would cost like 3 pounds each to start with.
All sorts- hip-hop to ragga to soul to nu metal. All sorts of shit. so give me your opinions! Please! Please! I would be doing what I love and spreading the gift of music at the same time.
Come on, just tell me!
Just gotta go now- more pills await.
Please comment, Thanks

Talk about love?

2006-03-08T11:32:00.000+01:00

This is my take on the hypocritical society in which we live, in the words of Pat Kelly, a Jamaican superstar:

It's hard to build a better nation with different races,
when everyday you walk there are newly faces.
No godly love but there is always a daily grace,
and nothing to erase from each nights are ever traces

Yet they talk about love, They talk about love.
They talk about love, love, love oh sweet love

Day in- day out the nation fight for more power,
Brotherly love.
But it's easy to write a story in a longer hour,
Brotherly love.
No brotherly love, nor sisterly love for their own,
and it took a miracle to put their love into hatred

Yet they talk about love, They talk about love
They talk about love, love, love oh sweet love - Listen

Drugs! Drugs! Roll up! Roll up!! Cheap drugs for sale!!!

2006-03-07T23:17:00.000+01:00

If anyone wants to buy cheap pharmaceuticals off me then get in touch, Cheers,
Peace.... Here is a photo of one of my favourites to wet you appetite. Enjoy.

Hostel. Movie from hell.

2006-03-07T23:13:00.000+01:00

I am terrified already! But this movie looks like the fucking dogs.
Be afraid, be very afraid. I know I will be.

I'm not like them, and I can't pretend...

2006-03-07T22:47:00.000+01:00

I thought I was ok. I've started seeing my old friends again and doing all this social shit- trying to organise meeting and partying and all that shit. Why the fuck then does this girl, who I really like but, who I don't fancy have to call me to say she doesn't want to see me because we "don't make each other happy"? I just wanted a friend, someone I could share my thoughts and my fears with. I just took a look at myself and realised that I'm a horrible person. I didn't take her feelings into account and I was always drunk with her, to get over the fact that I only like her as a friend. We're never going to see each other again and why the hell can't I just find someone to love and lose my mind with. I need, yearn, would tear myself open just for one chance to be happy with another.
I walk down the road and all I feel is fear.
Who am I?
Am i all there is?
I will look for happiness but my crushed confidence knows no bounds.
I have nothing.
I am nothing and will never be anything.
Watch cars, the smiling faces are always in the poor, broken-down shit heaps, the transits, the lorries, the building sites.
A degree just makes you feel like a failure, however succesful you are. Money means nothing. Happiness is the absence of loneliness.
And, good God, I am lonely.
Broken.
Maybe one day someone will come along to fix me, but until then I continue to punish and injure.
I screw it.

Hungry soul, greedy heart...

2006-03-06T13:23:00.000+01:00

I'm alive still, and it feels alright. I've hit myself hard these past few days and I suffer like every monday. Little to do, but everything needs doing. I'm glad alcohol was my only friend this weekend. I understand his moods and feel tomorrow is a new day, and I will be ok.
I saw old friends and laughed till it hurt, drank till the pain was a distant memory and saw happiness on faces, unrestrained by inbred repression and fear. I made memories that will feed me into the shadowy future that awaits me. Everyone is so scared, we have lived for so many generations and still there is no answer. The selfishness of each generation has meant that no legacy has been left with which to understand ourselves. We are left to walk the road without light, without company and crippled by guilt, loneliness and anger. It's so futile, this journey, but if you can forget this just for a minute then you will find the happiness you search for. Pictures, memories of tearless joy. These are so important. Don't forget the good times they're all there is.

Great band, great name. Pity it's just music.

2006-03-02T23:16:00.000+01:00

I just wrote a whole shpeal about my day but fuck it, it got wiped. So here you are. The original and the best. They beat the shit out of everything. Disintegration, buy it and love it.
Cold grey and beautiful.
Beauty in sadness.
Why is it always the light that makes it feel so dark?
Why is it my search for happiness that is responsible for my self-destruction?
Too late for questions.
Too late for resolution.
Just do what you know and do it till you die. why are you reading this? If there was ever a path, stick to it because the woods aren't so sympathetic.
Every cut cuts the same. It's just that you stop feeling when you decide you don't want to any more. Stay clean, love yourself, and be thankful for the little things.
Good Night. There's a long weekend ahead.
Witness my moods. It will be another journey I will not enjoy, however hard I try.

What I've done and what I regret...

2006-03-02T12:50:00.000+01:00

This morning I woke up in a good mood for the first time in as long as I can remember. I didn't have night-sweats. I think I sweated out the last of the bzp/alcohol/downers the night before. It was bad! thought I'd wet myself. Anyway, I was in shit mood when I went to sleep and was thinking-cos I couldn't sleep- about what I'm doing or have done that I regret and what I'd do if I could do it all again. Fuck me the list's long.
I was prompted by the fact that yesterday, I found out that my class was cancelled for the day and instead of working(I have so much that I don't know where to begin) I decided to finish my bottle of vodka, scan the internet for drugs, nail the last two beers in the fridge, snort a Xanax and passout on my bed. I woke up a couple of hours later (around 8) feeling woozy, so I had about 25mg's of phentermine to pick me up and then tried to start work. Nice work while you can get it. Huh? I ended up cleaning the kitchen because it counted as work and didn't involve any brain power.
So anyway I manage about an hour and a half reading about vat tax law and got fed up, so went to bed and here we are. I'm gonna do this list b4 going to the gym. The sun's shining, just one class today, easy coursework for monday,etc. etc. I'm going to do my work today. But I'm not- Not even I am that blind.

Here's my list;(In no particular order)

(Oh yeah,\Ispent the whole of yesterday inside freezing even tho I had all my clothes on. No idea why. I'm always too hot...??)
Stimulants
Cocaine, crack, meth/yabba, phentermine, ephedrine, sibutramine, caffeine(of course), bzp, TFMPP, speed, MDMA/ecstacy

Opiates
Buprenorphine, morphine, heroin, codeine, opium, opium tincture, propoxyphene, tramadol, pentazocine,

Hallucinogens
Mushrooms-liberty caps/thai/mexican/hawaiin(?)/philsophoper stones,
Acid/lsd liquid and blotters, mescaline/san pedro, ketamine, dxm, sincuichi, salvia, cannabis(I suppose) all fucking types, 5Meo-AMT

Sedatives/tranquilisers
Diazepam,alprazolam,bentazepam,midazolam, clonazepam, alcohol(I suppose), rohypnol, zopiclone, zolpidem,betablockers (a pile of wank), respiredone, temazepam

Antidepressants
Clomipramine, paroxetine, sibutramine, escitalopram

That's about all I can remember off the top of my head for now.
What do I regret? doing too much of them all. Far too many mushrooms-they fuck with your head, rewire your brain-just because they're natural doesn't mean they're harmless. Everything else apart from alcohol and cannabis(which steal your life away) I enjoyed and didn't take too often to get me into trouble, thank God. I'm happy I'm still alive, but I'm a borderline alcoholic/drug-addict. I'm addicted to clonazepam, alcohol and getting wasted on whatever I can get my hands on. I also take Escitalopram and Clomipramine at the moment. They help me, but I really should try to help myself if I'm ever going to be a real person.
Why is reality so hopeless?

taking it all in my stride

2006-03-01T16:46:00.000+01:00

My life may be a one way street. hopeless and shameful but do I give a fuck? sit at home drink, drugs discover new shit. 2ci, 5meoAMT/DMT, 2ct2, GBL,GHB,B2B,amt, dxm,dmt, all that shit and I want it all-lets all get nasty. I know I've done permanent damage. I had a morphine and bzp binge last weekend- not to mention the zolpidem,clonazepam and xanaz. I've got work to do and I really can;'t handle it so I'm reading about booze, searching for a site to buy reseach chemicals from, and getting pissed. may take somemore sleeping pills too. then all this shit job shit is goona be over-who cares when you've got dopamine?
I'm broke and can't see a way of ever securing a way of getting any money of my own. I'm drowning in debt but all I am is lazy, searching for the perfect high. I know this already.
Morphine slow release. 30mg's, a-fucking-lot of them and hip-hop-east side shit. Nas, terror squad, dmx, 50, Rakim, wu-tang, you know the deal.
Fuck it I've got San pedro ready to go, 5Meo AMT on the way, and my dealer in Costa Rica is getting his hand on morphine this week. he does all kinds of shit if you want. fuck it. blaze the beats and stay high-forget the reality of life's relentless sadness,
peace in death X

Extract from "A Million Little Pieces".

2006-02-21T12:04:00.000+01:00

... I start walking. Same as yesterday, I just want to forget. There is no forgetting today. I know that as soon as I enter the wood. The Fury takes over. It envelops every emotion every feeling every thought that I have. I can't deal with the emotions feelings thoughts so I let the Fury deal with them. It consumes them. The sadness I feel turns to rage, the calm to a desperate need. I want to destroy everything I see. That which I can't destroy, I want to ingest. With each step that I take, it grows. Rage and need. Rage and need. Rage. Need.

I want a drink. I want fifty drinks. I want a bottle of the purest, strongest, most destructive, most poisonous alcohol on Earth. I want fifty bottles of it. I want crack, dirty and yellow and filled with formaldehyde. I want a pile of powder meth, five hundred hits of acid, a garbage bag filled with mushrooms, a tube of glue bigger than a truck, a pool of gas large enough to drown in. I want something anything whatever however as much as I can. Want need want need I want need enough to kill annihilate make me lose make me forget dull the motherfucking pain give me the darkest darkness the blackest blackness the deepest deepest most horrible fucking hole. Goddamn it to fucking Hell, give it to me. Put me in the fucking hole.

My true valentine...

2006-02-14T16:24:00.000+01:00

Hell yeah, grab those viagra and smack that bitch up. That time of year when the lonely curse and the rest just moan. red wine and money, that's all a lady needs to believe in love. valentine had it going on. get em fuct, fuck em and send em home. dozy whores. You can't live with em and you can't kill em. Another one of life's sick jokes.

I have my shit to do.can't fucking afford it. can't afford shit. living off pasta and vodka. tho my real love is around the corner. 80mg of clonazepam, 20mg Xanax, 300mg Zolpidem, 16 Propoxythene capsules and a load of morphine. bring on the weekend. who needs the cold love of a parasite when there's powder heaven?

I love life, but it makes me laugh sometimes.

squashed like a bug.

2006-02-13T16:31:00.000+01:00

Today I'm a sea of indecision. I've forgotten what it's like to not give a shit. I am a walking bag of nerves furtively checking the cracks in the pavement for a warning sign. The sky's falling in and I need to know when. Whatever I choose, I lose.
Awesome guilt pounds on my consciousness, the walls reverberate with anger and pent up fury at my impotence, my inability to determine my own destiny. work, play? They both hurt me with their cloaked daggers and their smiling fat faces,smug in the knowledge that they will never have to face what I face every day. My mortality, the death inside me just grows in strength as I weaken and fall. I have no time. All I ever wanted was to be free. But growing up is knowing that freedom is an illusion.
All we can ever expect is to be crushed under foot like bugs. Why suffer, why wait?
Noone is beautiful until they're dead.

my baby...

2006-02-10T18:00:00.000+01:00

i love this woman. she makes everything better. There is a God when I look into her eyes. I am whole just for that brief moment before the sadness takes over. strangling me.

Living the Dream. One day at a time.

Back again after like 5 years!

Drink and wash it all away

Impure

Phoetus back where he belongs...

Have you seen me lately?

When all is not enough

"I'm not your favourite record/ The songs you grow to like never stick at first".

Life on life's terms/filling the void

Memories from my life-Time to forget.

Back in Blighty

I am my future.

When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you're alive.

Here, but for the grace of God...

Growing inside. Fools gold in grey skin.

Hold on.

I keep a stiff upper lip. Fucking right I do.

I'm not sick, but I'm not well...

It's a cunt and it hasn't even started yet.

I say 'goodbye', you say 'hello'

I have been getting very very high lately.

I'm sorry for the silence, I'm sorry for the noise.

Cripple you, muthafukka.

Sex Drugs and Roll

Just for a moment of peace amidst the storm, Just a moment

I really, really, have no fucking clue. Just left with a terrible feeling of shame and regret...

Shaky, but stable. Ready for the carnage.(The Cure this time)

Tuesday, and weekend sickness continues. Drugged cinema dreaming eases me through.(Pearl Jam is here to explain how I feel-thanks)

and it all comes crashing down again. Sunday night blues. Sick to my stomach. Praying for unconsciousness

I sold my soul to get here. I fucking sold the fucker. I didn't have a fucking choice.

alcoholic bliss. (Blinded eyes to see)

Metallica.mo hot shit fo yo to vibe wit. Yup damn right

spit it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!Slipknot-fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Goo Goo Dolls-when everything is made to be broken. I just want you to know who I am.I fucking love them. deep deep down. Listen.fucks.

Opium poppy season is upon us.

Skindred. Dancehall metal! Man just genius, pure genius.

Poetry of the passing

Big Youth- Life is a ghetto

Fuck everything. The source. Children of Bodom.

It's all over but the crying.

The joys of drug rehab-Fear and self-loathing in London

No drugs, no emotion, no life

Iron Fuckin' Maiden!

Let he that have understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a huge number. It's number is 666

Life-Is it there to humour us before we die? Voices from the unheard. Alexisonfire!

Blink 182 - Fucking funny. I'm 26 and I still love this shit

"I was born a long way from where I'm supposed to be, so I suppose I'm on my way home"- Bob Dylan

Morphine sleep

"All my friends got flowers in their eyes, but I've got none this season./All of last years blooms have gone and died,time doesn't give a reason"

Iraq, Bush, Britney Spears

My lullaby of carbon monoxide

Sizzla - Pure chill. Listen-it will affect your day.

Sometimes you've gotta stop asking "why?" and start asking "How?"

Don't worry

And so it goes...

Linkin Park - Reporting from Inside my head

Tired of sleep.

Living in pieces. One day at a time.

Life's a bitch then you die?!

My game

Codeine itch. I'm all itchy-nice itch, itchy-witch,yaha!

I'M NOT A SLAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bubbly, honey goodness...

Six weeks to live

Brain food

Grey

So cold, so warm

Fuck me, I'm all out of enemies!!!!

Norm life baby. (Just say no kids)

Aching for change

Just human (but always guessing - see photo.Hmm.)

If

Rudyard Kipling If

Apology

Wear sunscreen

That's me told.

Starting all over

The end of the begining ,or the begining of the end?

My future comes right back to haunt me...

I tried to give and I just couldn't take it; I tried to love and I turned round and hated it.

Rudyard Kipling
If