No drugs, no emotion, no life

Maybe I'm wrong.
I want it. To lose the bingeing and the denial and the stupidity.
This is me.
I'm scared.
Will I change? I don't know. Do I really want to?
So hot. Want comfortable decor and drip feed.
Want breeze and smiles.
Want end to paranoia.
Want, need, crumbling mess of nerves and exhaustion.
Fear of emotion. No obliteration anymore, just life and me. My mind drilling shadows through my soul, no barriers incessant tired shut up
end it
fade away
dream dream dream, bloody skies, dead hugs and empty gesture
I want the cage
safe
pointing, laughing, throw away the key
suffer, scream, starve, forget, collapse,
breathe, trust, friendship, sunshine, free
I am longing
I am fear
I am hope