Dead man walking...

It all started at an early age.
My friend's sister sold drugs. I was ok, but neither was I happy, nor ever noticeably unhappy, just kind of existing I suppose. I tried them and I wanted more. I had never felt happiness like it. Taking drugs like ecstacy and drinking made me feel whole. I would crash but I didn't care, all I knew was that this was the only means I had of feeling in control, of feeling like I imagined my friends to be feeling, day to day.
It was all good until I left boarding school. No rules, no boundaries and it's been the same ever since. I've tried everything, just to be happy. I've listed what they are on an earlier post. I'm better but I have no identity. I have no job, I'm a student, and I see no future and I suppose alcohol and everything else just erases that. I don't care, just so long as I can obliterate myself, and my fear and shame at what, and who I am.
Today is friday again and I have a party organised around my place. I don't want to, but I can't control it. I will be a fool because that's my mask. And I'll be treated like one, which I suppose is better than being ignored.
I'm just tired.
I'll keep you guys informed as to how it goes. Hopefully I won't grope anyone or pass out or any shit like that. I'll be different today, just like everyday.