I say 'goodbye', you say 'hello'
I think I knew what to say at some point. That was a very long time ago. I've carved a lull into my vocabulary that makes me seem stupid when I'm really trapped by a jumpy, confused brain.
My sorrows find succour in its overactivity, perhaps its intelligence. Boring they say, different too.
I live.
I am nervous, waiting for my time to go to the hospital of the soul.
I am sedated, not happy, just empty, nothing to say, warm, friends listen to television and it hurts my fingers, all so desperate to write and amuse and vent, but they can't.
Again it must wait.
I get up at 5.30am tomorrow. I am coming down from ritalin. depressed.
but happy under my fog.
Save me from myself.
15mg's zolpidem for sleep and 50mg's anafranil. I feel the sickness rise. I want sleep. so I go.
I to you write soon, much done yet to be.
caiou
Merlin
and peace to the restless out there.
I will continue to frustrate...
posted by Merlin at 10:50 PM
7 Comments:
Remember you are not alone, we've all been there more or less. I can relate with the highs and the lows, with being anxious and frustrated, and with being sad. Your words are poetry for the soul, hang in there.
A greeting awaits you, to welcome you into a strange land. Not new, just forgotten and hidden. Obscured by man-made chemical fogs. Time is both eternal and meaningless, only you can decide.
Yeah, I'm kinda okay I think.You guys are so sweet, you give me hope that that there will an end to the indecision and self-that fills my days.
It's nice to know others have been here too and are out the other side.
Thanks and peace,
hugs
Merlin
ok, so my spelling sucks. 'self-that' should be 'self-hate that'...
being lazy sorry
peace
Ditto what the others have said. So often we feel our struggle, however brief or arduous, is isolated. Honestly, I feel similarly practically every day... Not the best way to celebrate a birthday. :(
Anyway, your acuity is incredible. You should be in Bartlett's!
Hope all goes well.
(And, if you want, feel free to e-mail me: tumuli77@hotmail.com)
Hey you will survive this with a new found respect for life and for yourself. You will prove that you can indeed handle anything thing placed in your path. And after all is said and done your soul will be lifted of the cloud that held you down. The fog will drift away and you will have a new sense of clarity. It will not be easy but trust in yourself and know that although we all exist in different corners of the world you have some friends that care very much and are waiting for you to recover.
Peace-my complicated little freakazoid
Tumuli- I know exactly how it is. Is your birthday today? Well if it is, have a good one dude.You deserve it for fuck's sake.
It is true that people lead fuct-up hopeless lives. they can be happy and full of love but how can you enjoy love and safety and happiness if you've never experienced the dirty, merciless agony that occupies the other side of the coin.
For my last birthday I got drunk on my own and then went on a coke bender with some friends. end of story. Great huh?
Anyway, we learn from our mistakes- actually fuck it-the average person in the UK spends half his waking weekdays working-chained to a bank balance and a life he's being sold by whoever.,...
this post is too long
peace my buddies,
and good night
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