I am my future.
My last day across the water and it feels like my world has forgotten me. I'm clinging on to what I took for granted and play smoke and mirrors with my future. I'm so lonely because they're all back where I don't belong, where I couldn't fit. Now all that stands to be decided is whether I can make it in my old life, bent and broken and full of new ideas. I have all I can be given to make it right but the concensus is that I will be broken glass waiting for the soft skin to slide through. I lose hope and then I find it soaking slowly through my soul. I have it all and I never want to go back. I want, I promise never to do it again. Empty words in an empty world where action speaks whilst words stay dumb.
I have fallen and I have arisen; I have done my time from the flatline to the shiny preciousness of life. I have crawled through the mud just to throw it in the faces of those that love me most, I have scrubbed myself raw just to do it all again, just to feel like I've done it all before I say 'never again'. Never again, dusty words in an addicts mouth, hollow promises and lies. I've hurt and I've harmed and I hope, I hope beyond hope that this is the end of my misery. My lacrimous loss, pain and desperation. My compulsive acts of folly. So so sad. So so sad. I want it all and this time my actions mimic my lips and I have the heart and desperation to live. To be alive, breathe and smile at the incredible beauty of a clean world so ready and open to hold me and say yes-It's all gonna be alright.
I have fallen and I have arisen; I have done my time from the flatline to the shiny preciousness of life. I have crawled through the mud just to throw it in the faces of those that love me most, I have scrubbed myself raw just to do it all again, just to feel like I've done it all before I say 'never again'. Never again, dusty words in an addicts mouth, hollow promises and lies. I've hurt and I've harmed and I hope, I hope beyond hope that this is the end of my misery. My lacrimous loss, pain and desperation. My compulsive acts of folly. So so sad. So so sad. I want it all and this time my actions mimic my lips and I have the heart and desperation to live. To be alive, breathe and smile at the incredible beauty of a clean world so ready and open to hold me and say yes-It's all gonna be alright.
posted by Merlin at 11:02 AM
4 Comments:
yes sweetie, it is indeed gonna be alright....
glad to see you have finished the stint and am going home...
big hugs and smooches!
now the question is when you cumming to this side of the world???
My magical Merlin ...
So glad to see you again.
This world has not forgotten you, you can make it.
You're not alone.
Huge hugs.
This is probably the wrong reaction to this post. Through your words I feel the rawness of your emotions, the pain, and yet the way you express yourself is so poetic. You have a gift for writing Merlin.
I might have taken too long to return, but I have not, and could not have, forgotten you.
That post truly was one of the most emotive, incisive, heart-stirring pieces I have ever read. You clearly communicated your thoughts, placing us inside your heart and mind as you return from a harrowing experience.
Whatever happens now or later, we are relieved to know that you are back.
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