My future comes right back to haunt me...

I thought I'd kicked it- two days-nothing-sleep and sleep. slow and crappy. today I wake-it's good so i take more morphine and here I am writing to try to prove something. I don't fucking know- I should be high but I'm just scared of the repercussions of all this shit. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I'm going away for the weekend so should be drug-free.
I just wish time would freeze, wait for me to get ready. I just don't have enough time and feel that my life is one big scramble to be prepared, a rush to fit in all the nothingness so that it can become something. Instead I'm watching it blur past and all I have are sedatives to slow me so I don't erupt with fear and incomprehension and impotence.
No control.
Where is my future?
I don't care, because the pills just kicked in.
Yup. you heard me. Quote me "happy".
Time for a bit of me time.harumpffff.
I'm not always like this. I can be a nice guy. I just write the shit stuff in here.
None of my friends, or anyone I know, know about this blog.
It's my own private scream.
But today. I'm just----