Friday, December 15, 2006

Life on life's terms/filling the void

They say the addict runs away from responsibility, they say the addict escapes negative feelings any way he knows how. They're right. Fuck-the slightest bit of stress and I spend 120 quid on Cd's. This may not seem a lot but when I live off eggs and bread it may look a bit more like what it is-retail therapy, compulsive purchasing, compulsive behaviour just like drinking till the sharp edges fade away, just like running till the burning gets you high. After 4 months of being institutionalised I am well aware of these subsidiary addictions-push one down and another pops up. Who knows what's next after compulsive shopping-gambling?I fucking hope not. I'm already addicted to cigarettes and the gym. Just gotta keep going to meetings, talk about it and all that jazz. Yeah, the substitutes lead you back to the source and that's a scary prospect. I don't want to be back where I was, it wasn't any fun even tho I tricked myself into believing it was. -"It's not a party if it happens every night".-Anyway, I have no money, no job and few prospects but I suppose it can only get better. We shall see.
Somehow I'm going to fill this hole, but for now the toilet paper's just not doing it.
It's war all the time.


Blogger Sherry said...

You're amazing.
Do you know that?
Your words bring me to the exact state of your being, and I wish that I could make the way you feel go away.

It will get better.

Great song.
A perfect fit.

7:57 PM  
Blogger Tumuli said...

I second those thoughts, and have even attempted to "fill" my own emptiness with various other behaviors...

Music works wonders. I do hope you are feeling better.

2:58 AM  

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