Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Have you seen me lately?

If you saw me you'd think I liked the quiet, sometimes I think I do and sometimes it hurts to think that this isn't what I want at all. All I can know is how I feel and feelings can be so deceptive. This has been the longest December on record. So much to be thankful for, so much to look forward to and so much still remains to make me shit myself. So much left to make me think maybe it won't ever get any better, just enough left to make it all seem so pointless; a lingering thought that tells me to run, that says cut your losses and get the fuck out before you get in too deep.

If you were a fly on the wall, you'd think it was all my fault. If you thought too hard you'd blame me like I do. However, the obvious alwys hides the truth and I fuck up because I'm scared, because it's my defaut setting. I'm safe when I know how it all turns out, I can plan and buffer.

If you walked past my window, you'd think I didn't have a dream. You'd want to shake me and tell me all I had to do was believe. You'd want me to see what I already see. You'd want me to do what I do everyday.

I sit, I stand, I make faces at the voices in my head. I crawl into my dreams and take shelter from the storm outside. I comfort myself with the thought that it could all be so much worse.
(The Postal Service)


Blogger Tumuli said...

Your thoughts mirror my own so closely it is frightening but comforting.

I have not coped with much on par with your struggles this year, but I have never experienced a period more horrific and saddening than this one.

Despite that, all I can offer is a reminder that you have endured amazingly well, and continue to survive on your own terms. Regardless of the indeterminate future, you continue persevering with the power of thought, knowledge, and apperception.

I am grateful for having met you, and would remain your friend in any situation.

2:16 AM  
Blogger Sherry said...

Keep the peace within, my little magical Merlin.

With the new year coming, and us both liking the Goo's, this made me think of you:

And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cuz everyone is forgiven now
Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again

Have a Happy New Year, Merlin, because
tonight's the night the world begins again ...

4:59 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

Happy New Year my horny lil sex machine!!!! keep it real, keep it hard- here is to 2007 and finding a place for things!!! organization is key!

2:02 AM  
Blogger Laura said...

You know what, I finally read that, I mean really read that.... and I think you already know what amazing untapped potential is inside of you... sieze the op and own it.... it is all right there waiting for you to grasp...

8:41 PM  

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