Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Memories from my life-Time to forget.

Yeah here's something random that I wrote in rehab-I suppose it's about trust in the future and accepting what has happened in my story so far:
There was no choice for me in my eyes, it is only since I got here that I have realised there is another way. No highway, but a cobbled road, 70 years in the making, unfinished and unsure. My own best advice has brought me to my rock-bottom, a feeling of emptiness and loss of identity so profound that my tears are no longer mine. My thoughts play on flickering black and white. Childhood movies lost in time. Alien shapes mimic my memories, smiling as emptily as their immortality.
I live for fear of death, I long for life in hope of change. I stand on the edge and stare ahead at the beauty of the horizon and open air, I stand ready to take the first step, a step taken with belief and trust.

(I love ozzy. No more tears.yeah.)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Back in Blighty

Just to show that it's not all bad- Being healthy does have its' advantages. My last post a tad melodramatic I must say-feeling a bit sorry for myself, having been kicked out of rehab just to end up in hospital and back in rehab within the space of 3 days. Anyhoo it was my last day and emotions were running amock. Yeah, life is sweet and I had some great times in rehab-here are some photos of one trip we went on. Was all fun and games until one fell off a cliff and almost died but you can't make an omlette without breaking....

This song rocks-It was big in SA so it was probably big and cheesy everywhere but I like it and although it's winter here and my fingers freeze as we speak, it sums up how I'm doing and reminds me of the good times I had whilst remembering the bad times as it were.
Peace to my brothers and sisters out there,Keep that attitude of gratitude!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

I am my future.

My last day across the water and it feels like my world has forgotten me. I'm clinging on to what I took for granted and play smoke and mirrors with my future. I'm so lonely because they're all back where I don't belong, where I couldn't fit. Now all that stands to be decided is whether I can make it in my old life, bent and broken and full of new ideas. I have all I can be given to make it right but the concensus is that I will be broken glass waiting for the soft skin to slide through. I lose hope and then I find it soaking slowly through my soul. I have it all and I never want to go back. I want, I promise never to do it again. Empty words in an empty world where action speaks whilst words stay dumb.
I have fallen and I have arisen; I have done my time from the flatline to the shiny preciousness of life. I have crawled through the mud just to throw it in the faces of those that love me most, I have scrubbed myself raw just to do it all again, just to feel like I've done it all before I say 'never again'. Never again, dusty words in an addicts mouth, hollow promises and lies. I've hurt and I've harmed and I hope, I hope beyond hope that this is the end of my misery. My lacrimous loss, pain and desperation. My compulsive acts of folly. So so sad. So so sad. I want it all and this time my actions mimic my lips and I have the heart and desperation to live. To be alive, breathe and smile at the incredible beauty of a clean world so ready and open to hold me and say yes-It's all gonna be alright.