Monday, March 27, 2006

There's a hole in our soul that we've filled with dope, and we feel fine.

So, monday walks into my life again. I woke and I didn't know. I knew I'd got messed up but I didn't know when or how. On Friday I got fucked up- celebrations for finishing some project. Happiness=self-destruction. of course. I got home and and my morphine and rohypnol had arrived so I took a shit load and fell asleep. I woke up and couldn't pee because of the opiates and my head felt like hell. It was fun. I went back to sleep and got up at 6pm. I had plans to meet my buddy to see hostel the movie but like no fucking way can I see that when I've been chucking my guts up all afternoon. Anyway, saw some forgetable movie and went home. Slept Sunday,sat around in my pyjamas and got high and drunk and generally fuct-up pigged out and did dick-all. got a call from a friend who I said I would see so forced myself to see her. slept with her. well done will-power!
Yeah so now I'm drunk, sedated and tired and full and still high from the morphine I took on saturday.
Fuck everything. I have nothing to do, nothing to do woopee!
that's all I can be fuct to say.
maybe tomorrow,
fuck fuck fuck.
I'm so full of dopamine I don't ever want to come down.
God bless Glaxosmithkline
and Karachi
Yup. Hmmmm.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

The people we become will never be the people that we are.

So, another week and the mood's sky high. Strange feeling but being busy brushes the blues away. No time to think, only time to focus on the page straight ahead. I have been so busy and it feels great, I'm not crying into my darkened room and the cold wind doesn't burn me so much. I'm high but experience teaches me that it can't last. Maybe it will. I hope it will, but I really don't feel like I deserve it. I suppose that's always the problem. I just can't stand feeling good. Too much energy, too much life (?).
Fuck it, I didn't fail my paper today and spring is coming. My term has almost ended and maybe, just maybe I'm looking forward to shedding my skin and becoming someone worthy of respect. It's funny how in a way the idea of belonging again scares me. It's been so long since I looked in the mirror and saw an identity. The fear of change, even if for the better, is always going to be there for all of us.
I've got a load of morphine and rohypnol coming soon so maybe I'll slump when it arrives but let's hope I don't. There's a friend's party on Thursday too. Hmm. Suddenly the road has pitfalls. It'll be ok.
Sure it will.
Funny that last Friday I was planning my own funeral in my head. So matter of factly. Who would come, where it would be. Would I want a song played. Would I be allowed a funeral if it was suicide.
Shit, that seems an age away.
So many people inside me, fighting to get out...

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Nail in my hand, from my creator.

That's just how it feels. Iron driven through weak flesh to make me a slave to the demands of what he has made. I tried and I failed today. when there's a light, there's a light to trick you. Trick you into a false sense of understanding with the world. I had just decided, taken the leap of faith to the point where I could actually see a future for myself. A house, a career a group of friends who gave a shit and now it's all been pissed up against the wall.
One fail is all it takes to start slipping. The lack of failure up to this point has been a miracle. Now all I know is that neither am I academically bright enough to do this course but, as I have known for a long time, I am far from being socially competent enought to cross the finish line with anything more than a 'thanks you came'.
I'm not angry at the moment-tho I was shaking with failure before- but that may be because of the booze and xanax and zolpidem I just took. If you can't beat 'em join 'em.
I really don't know. I'll keep trying to pass this course, for whatever reason, to put a smile back on the faces of my much maligned parents.
I'm ordering 30* 30mg tabs of morphine sulphate tonight and I can't wait to get them! I have no money but these things are priceless. I kid you not. you should get some if you can. But I doubt you can,HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! All fucking mine, mine, mine, so FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, this is how I am
get high, or go home,

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Peace my fools!

Wednesday night comes around. Sorry about the lack of postage going on of late but my computer's been fucking up. so there.
Hmm. I feel good today, and had the first beer since the thrashing I inflicted on myself last weekend. Yeah, the pain is over so the good times are starting again- the circle of life continues unabaited. Tomorrow I'll be dying for a drink and then it'll be friday again. I will go home on saturday to stop the inevitable carnage that is a saturday night. I can never tell what's going to happen.maybe I'll be too hung over on saturday. Hmm? The world is full of big decisions isn't it!
Smile and the world smiles with you, or so they say, maybe the world just get's paranoid and messes you up.
half empty, half full? where are you?
My neck hurts.
Maybe a sleeping pill?
Why is it that when I feel clean I feel empty?
Why do I feel the need to fill myself with filth. Poison.?
Maybe I don't like experiencing. Maybe clarity is too much information. Maybe I don't want to think about anything. Maybe I just want to feel good without understanding why.
Perhaps the only way to feel good, is to purge yourself of goodness.
Become one with the blind and heartless.

Monday, March 13, 2006

My chemical romance.

Um. How do I start? This weekend has been a real eye-opener for me. Not in that I have done anything different, but in what I have discovered. I slept like a junkie last night, two sleeping pills and still I woke up this morning feeling like I'd run the fucking marathon. So helplessly tired and emotionally drained I could hardly get out of bed let alone work or function as a human being. Being close to tears from waking must have been due to terrifying dreams I fortunately cannot remember. So tired, worried, bored. I had a couple of drinks and had some valium and it all started to come back together. Thank fuck. Now just the exhaustion to deal with.
I did not one minute of work. It plays on my mind. I'll do it tomorrow. I hope. I meant not to drink, but this evening Ive had a bottle of wine. Nice chat in the kitchen but it's not going to put a smile on my face tomorrrow.
My weekend was good. Met some friends on Friday and got drunk. was cool, spent too much money, same shit, same shit.
Saturday, hair of the dog. Same shit, same shit.
Sunday, spent the day recording music back onto my computer that's fucked up again, even after £40 worth of rehab.
fuck it
I feel shit and I vow this will be one weekend I actualy learn from.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Dead man walking...

It all started at an early age.
My friend's sister sold drugs. I was ok, but neither was I happy, nor ever noticeably unhappy, just kind of existing I suppose. I tried them and I wanted more. I had never felt happiness like it. Taking drugs like ecstacy and drinking made me feel whole. I would crash but I didn't care, all I knew was that this was the only means I had of feeling in control, of feeling like I imagined my friends to be feeling, day to day.
It was all good until I left boarding school. No rules, no boundaries and it's been the same ever since. I've tried everything, just to be happy. I've listed what they are on an earlier post. I'm better but I have no identity. I have no job, I'm a student, and I see no future and I suppose alcohol and everything else just erases that. I don't care, just so long as I can obliterate myself, and my fear and shame at what, and who I am.
Today is friday again and I have a party organised around my place. I don't want to, but I can't control it. I will be a fool because that's my mask. And I'll be treated like one, which I suppose is better than being ignored.
I'm just tired.
I'll keep you guys informed as to how it goes. Hopefully I won't grope anyone or pass out or any shit like that. I'll be different today, just like everyday.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Buy CD compilations from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck it I'm gonna have a beer

Yup, just fed up of my flatmates ignoring me. 7 months and this is how it is. I just don't get on with any of them. We don't argue but that's not always enought to make you hate someone. Silence isn't golden if you're holding it inside-thanks for that line Axl. Yup I'm gonna get a beer and get high because tomorrow I might die.

Music for the people?

Aaah, 4 days without an attempt at destroying my brain cells. Maybe that' s why I feel so wierd? Anyway, I suppose I did take a couple of sleeping pills last night. My ex-on/off- girlfriend basically told me that I was groping all her friends at her birthday party. Fuck. I remember perving on them beause they're fit but I didn't think I was that wasted. Anyway, I was, and she told me. I'm just fucking fed up with making a fool of myself at these damn parties. I can't take my booze because of all the pills I'm on and so I just lose it. I'm getting a reputation, and I don't like it. Soon I'll be like the guy in the photo (inset). No career, no friends, no self-respect. hey- not much different from now!
Anyway, I love music above all things in this world- even morphine- and I want to start a business where I make CD compilations for people and sell them on the internet. I have so much music and knowledge I could really make it happen. I can take payment through paypal and they would cost like 3 pounds each to start with.
All sorts- hip-hop to ragga to soul to nu metal. All sorts of shit. so give me your opinions! Please! Please! I would be doing what I love and spreading the gift of music at the same time.
Come on, just tell me!
Just gotta go now- more pills await.
Please comment, Thanks

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Talk about love?

This is my take on the hypocritical society in which we live, in the words of Pat Kelly, a Jamaican superstar:

It's hard to build a better nation with different races,
when everyday you walk there are newly faces.
No godly love but there is always a daily grace,
and nothing to erase from each nights are ever traces

Yet they talk about love, They talk about love.
They talk about love, love, love oh sweet love

Day in- day out the nation fight for more power,
Brotherly love.
But it's easy to write a story in a longer hour,
Brotherly love.
No brotherly love, nor sisterly love for their own,
and it took a miracle to put their love into hatred

Yet they talk about love, They talk about love
They talk about love, love, love oh sweet love - Listen

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Drugs! Drugs! Roll up! Roll up!! Cheap drugs for sale!!!

If anyone wants to buy cheap pharmaceuticals off me then get in touch, Cheers,
Peace.... Here is a photo of one of my favourites to wet you appetite. Enjoy.

Hostel. Movie from hell.

I am terrified already! But this movie looks like the fucking dogs.
Be afraid, be very afraid. I know I will be.

I'm not like them, and I can't pretend...

I thought I was ok. I've started seeing my old friends again and doing all this social shit- trying to organise meeting and partying and all that shit. Why the fuck then does this girl, who I really like but, who I don't fancy have to call me to say she doesn't want to see me because we "don't make each other happy"? I just wanted a friend, someone I could share my thoughts and my fears with. I just took a look at myself and realised that I'm a horrible person. I didn't take her feelings into account and I was always drunk with her, to get over the fact that I only like her as a friend. We're never going to see each other again and why the hell can't I just find someone to love and lose my mind with. I need, yearn, would tear myself open just for one chance to be happy with another.
I walk down the road and all I feel is fear.
Who am I?
Am i all there is?
I will look for happiness but my crushed confidence knows no bounds.
I have nothing.
I am nothing and will never be anything.
Watch cars, the smiling faces are always in the poor, broken-down shit heaps, the transits, the lorries, the building sites.
A degree just makes you feel like a failure, however succesful you are. Money means nothing. Happiness is the absence of loneliness.
And, good God, I am lonely.
Maybe one day someone will come along to fix me, but until then I continue to punish and injure.
I screw it.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Hungry soul, greedy heart...

I'm alive still, and it feels alright. I've hit myself hard these past few days and I suffer like every monday. Little to do, but everything needs doing. I'm glad alcohol was my only friend this weekend. I understand his moods and feel tomorrow is a new day, and I will be ok.
I saw old friends and laughed till it hurt, drank till the pain was a distant memory and saw happiness on faces, unrestrained by inbred repression and fear. I made memories that will feed me into the shadowy future that awaits me. Everyone is so scared, we have lived for so many generations and still there is no answer. The selfishness of each generation has meant that no legacy has been left with which to understand ourselves. We are left to walk the road without light, without company and crippled by guilt, loneliness and anger. It's so futile, this journey, but if you can forget this just for a minute then you will find the happiness you search for. Pictures, memories of tearless joy. These are so important. Don't forget the good times they're all there is.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Great band, great name. Pity it's just music.

I just wrote a whole shpeal about my day but fuck it, it got wiped. So here you are. The original and the best. They beat the shit out of everything. Disintegration, buy it and love it.
Cold grey and beautiful.
Beauty in sadness.
Why is it always the light that makes it feel so dark?
Why is it my search for happiness that is responsible for my self-destruction?
Too late for questions.
Too late for resolution.
Just do what you know and do it till you die. why are you reading this? If there was ever a path, stick to it because the woods aren't so sympathetic.
Every cut cuts the same. It's just that you stop feeling when you decide you don't want to any more. Stay clean, love yourself, and be thankful for the little things.
Good Night. There's a long weekend ahead.
Witness my moods. It will be another journey I will not enjoy, however hard I try.

What I've done and what I regret...

This morning I woke up in a good mood for the first time in as long as I can remember. I didn't have night-sweats. I think I sweated out the last of the bzp/alcohol/downers the night before. It was bad! thought I'd wet myself. Anyway, I was in shit mood when I went to sleep and was thinking-cos I couldn't sleep- about what I'm doing or have done that I regret and what I'd do if I could do it all again. Fuck me the list's long.
I was prompted by the fact that yesterday, I found out that my class was cancelled for the day and instead of working(I have so much that I don't know where to begin) I decided to finish my bottle of vodka, scan the internet for drugs, nail the last two beers in the fridge, snort a Xanax and passout on my bed. I woke up a couple of hours later (around 8) feeling woozy, so I had about 25mg's of phentermine to pick me up and then tried to start work. Nice work while you can get it. Huh? I ended up cleaning the kitchen because it counted as work and didn't involve any brain power.
So anyway I manage about an hour and a half reading about vat tax law and got fed up, so went to bed and here we are. I'm gonna do this list b4 going to the gym. The sun's shining, just one class today, easy coursework for monday,etc. etc. I'm going to do my work today. But I'm not- Not even I am that blind.

Here's my list;(In no particular order)

(Oh yeah,\Ispent the whole of yesterday inside freezing even tho I had all my clothes on. No idea why. I'm always too hot...??)
Cocaine, crack, meth/yabba, phentermine, ephedrine, sibutramine, caffeine(of course), bzp, TFMPP, speed, MDMA/ecstacy

Buprenorphine, morphine, heroin, codeine, opium, opium tincture, propoxyphene, tramadol, pentazocine,

Mushrooms-liberty caps/thai/mexican/hawaiin(?)/philsophoper stones,
Acid/lsd liquid and blotters, mescaline/san pedro, ketamine, dxm, sincuichi, salvia, cannabis(I suppose) all fucking types, 5Meo-AMT

Diazepam,alprazolam,bentazepam,midazolam, clonazepam, alcohol(I suppose), rohypnol, zopiclone, zolpidem,betablockers (a pile of wank), respiredone, temazepam

Clomipramine, paroxetine, sibutramine, escitalopram

That's about all I can remember off the top of my head for now.
What do I regret? doing too much of them all. Far too many mushrooms-they fuck with your head, rewire your brain-just because they're natural doesn't mean they're harmless. Everything else apart from alcohol and cannabis(which steal your life away) I enjoyed and didn't take too often to get me into trouble, thank God. I'm happy I'm still alive, but I'm a borderline alcoholic/drug-addict. I'm addicted to clonazepam, alcohol and getting wasted on whatever I can get my hands on. I also take Escitalopram and Clomipramine at the moment. They help me, but I really should try to help myself if I'm ever going to be a real person.
Why is reality so hopeless?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

taking it all in my stride

My life may be a one way street. hopeless and shameful but do I give a fuck? sit at home drink, drugs discover new shit. 2ci, 5meoAMT/DMT, 2ct2, GBL,GHB,B2B,amt, dxm,dmt, all that shit and I want it all-lets all get nasty. I know I've done permanent damage. I had a morphine and bzp binge last weekend- not to mention the zolpidem,clonazepam and xanaz. I've got work to do and I really can;'t handle it so I'm reading about booze, searching for a site to buy reseach chemicals from, and getting pissed. may take somemore sleeping pills too. then all this shit job shit is goona be over-who cares when you've got dopamine?
I'm broke and can't see a way of ever securing a way of getting any money of my own. I'm drowning in debt but all I am is lazy, searching for the perfect high. I know this already.
Morphine slow release. 30mg's, a-fucking-lot of them and hip-hop-east side shit. Nas, terror squad, dmx, 50, Rakim, wu-tang, you know the deal.
Fuck it I've got San pedro ready to go, 5Meo AMT on the way, and my dealer in Costa Rica is getting his hand on morphine this week. he does all kinds of shit if you want. fuck it. blaze the beats and stay high-forget the reality of life's relentless sadness,
peace in death X