Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Extract from "A Million Little Pieces".

... I start walking. Same as yesterday, I just want to forget. There is no forgetting today. I know that as soon as I enter the wood. The Fury takes over. It envelops every emotion every feeling every thought that I have. I can't deal with the emotions feelings thoughts so I let the Fury deal with them. It consumes them. The sadness I feel turns to rage, the calm to a desperate need. I want to destroy everything I see. That which I can't destroy, I want to ingest. With each step that I take, it grows. Rage and need. Rage and need. Rage. Need.

I want a drink. I want fifty drinks. I want a bottle of the purest, strongest, most destructive, most poisonous alcohol on Earth. I want fifty bottles of it. I want crack, dirty and yellow and filled with formaldehyde. I want a pile of powder meth, five hundred hits of acid, a garbage bag filled with mushrooms, a tube of glue bigger than a truck, a pool of gas large enough to drown in. I want something anything whatever however as much as I can. Want need want need I want need enough to kill annihilate make me lose make me forget dull the motherfucking pain give me the darkest darkness the blackest blackness the deepest deepest most horrible fucking hole. Goddamn it to fucking Hell, give it to me. Put me in the fucking hole.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

My true valentine...

Hell yeah, grab those viagra and smack that bitch up. That time of year when the lonely curse and the rest just moan. red wine and money, that's all a lady needs to believe in love. valentine had it going on. get em fuct, fuck em and send em home. dozy whores. You can't live with em and you can't kill em. Another one of life's sick jokes.

I have my shit to do.can't fucking afford it. can't afford shit. living off pasta and vodka. tho my real love is around the corner. 80mg of clonazepam, 20mg Xanax, 300mg Zolpidem, 16 Propoxythene capsules and a load of morphine. bring on the weekend. who needs the cold love of a parasite when there's powder heaven?

I love life, but it makes me laugh sometimes.

Monday, February 13, 2006

squashed like a bug.

Today I'm a sea of indecision. I've forgotten what it's like to not give a shit. I am a walking bag of nerves furtively checking the cracks in the pavement for a warning sign. The sky's falling in and I need to know when. Whatever I choose, I lose.
Awesome guilt pounds on my consciousness, the walls reverberate with anger and pent up fury at my impotence, my inability to determine my own destiny. work, play? They both hurt me with their cloaked daggers and their smiling fat faces,smug in the knowledge that they will never have to face what I face every day. My mortality, the death inside me just grows in strength as I weaken and fall. I have no time. All I ever wanted was to be free. But growing up is knowing that freedom is an illusion.
All we can ever expect is to be crushed under foot like bugs. Why suffer, why wait?
Noone is beautiful until they're dead.

Friday, February 10, 2006

my baby...

i love this woman. she makes everything better. There is a God when I look into her eyes. I am whole just for that brief moment before the sadness takes over. strangling me.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Uncomfortable in my Skin

Fucking punks-foreign spicks-yeah stare you cunt and I'll rip out your eyes.
I'm starting to suffer from my three day dream. I came here to work but the machines conspire against me. The heat. God damn it. The choking odour of stagnant lives. The cold sweat trickles and I know I don't belong. Just a little left to endure but I'm not sure how. I never make it. I am a slave to their world. I don't belong.
Well well well, if this isn't living the dream then I don't know what is. My stomach churns, my hands burn with inexplicable heat. I'm the monster under your bed, lost and tired.
I wish somebody would understand. I wish them sadness and longing. I want to shatter their calm world. Am I the only one that's real?

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

making love to my soul

just when all is collapsing the devil gives you his hand and frees you. the soft touch of his hate-like love itself yet more intense. codeine awareness of the beauty of our biology. sunday blues were my only reality until I choked it up and spat it writhing on the floor. liquid bliss wraps me in warmth and freedom from fear. shortlived though it may be (I know pain is my reward for finding this treasure) I live it like it is all there is. Through this phosphate friend I am mine. If only for a short time before I am given up to the wrath of God. I live for this dopamine rush. If I ever live at all.

This is me today. Will I be me tomorrow?

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

So much to do. So little time...

I know, another blogger filling up the internet with his opinions and messy tirades. But I will be different. No clone. No regurgitator of streams of consciousness. I shall be the one and only if it kills me. My dream is superior. Unlike other slaves I am free. Yes. At least in my mind.
I am making the dream a reality every day. Irony aside I serve a pusrpose, venting my spleen to make room for all the messy horror that is our reality. So, let's take this one step at a time, one set of footprints in the bloody soil of our minds. A one person army marching to the beat of our own drum. Let's show those fuckers who the fucking boss is. Let us be the alpha and the omega. Let us allow ourselves to believe that which we have denied ourselves for so long.

Choke the life out of everything. Escape through the vacuum of your mind. Sobriety is the deepest dream, the nightmare that we are forced to swallow. Today we make it stop. Today the addict is the doorkeeper. Today the dream is dead.