Thursday, June 29, 2006

Shaky, but stable. Ready for the carnage.(The Cure this time)

Fighting the urge to drink is like fighting myself.
Lunch with my mother today and I could hardly breath. Exhaustion exploding inside me. Yawning so hard I almost fell off the chair.
I have done no work and do not intend to, what can wait will wait and 'future me' can suffer whilst I relax and enjoy the rays. Same story, different university.
I still feel rubbish today but sober, which is good, but which can't last.
Tomorrow is another (grueling) day.
The drugs I ordered off the internet haven't arrived yet as they should have done. The panic may soon set in, as I am fuct without my clonazepam-fuct I tell you!
God I want a drink, blow the bars away and set me free, heehe!
The beast is hungry.

(This song rocks-dig the 'drum-hand clap' combo, sweet."Six billion beautiful faces await, but I saw them all before")
Music Video Codes by

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Tuesday, and weekend sickness continues. Drugged cinema dreaming eases me through.(Pearl Jam is here to explain how I feel-thanks)

Yeah my brothers- rain and heavy colourless skies are no more. I am a cinematic fanatic, doped up on morphine and clonazepam, hiding in my cool darkness, smiling inanely at 30 second flashes of edited trash, scratching the lovely itches that spring from my inner warmth and content.
I saw my counsellor today. Maybe rehab is in order. I just need a break. This year has been hard and I can't continue abusing myself like this and expect a normal fulfilling life. 26 and it's time for the teenage angst to be a thing of the past but it's stronger, more virulent than ever.
I've been a slave to my introversion for too long.
Peace my people,
I love your comments, they really make me feel happy in these silly hazy times.
Music Video Codes by

Monday, June 26, 2006

and it all comes crashing down again. Sunday night blues. Sick to my stomach. Praying for unconsciousness

I sold my soul to get here. I fucking sold the fucker. I didn't have a fucking choice.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

alcoholic bliss. (Blinded eyes to see)

just sitting here- nothing fucking matters, tripped out on a class D and life isn't happening anymore.
I've been here before like it's my home, screwing, screaming, so full my soul is empty. Drip feed me violence, giving a shit, life through a fucking lense.
nothing can make it better- no philosophy, no out-dated theories-the lies no longer take over, no longer draw my attention, I am mine, and nothing more, and life is so incomplete it's power is overwhelming. It's irony no longer risible, it's faceless smile just a joke without a punch line.
I give in, and escape through my mind's eye.
I fucking love you all
X... hot shit fo yo to vibe wit. Yup damn right

this song rocks it till the fuckin wheels fall off. Listen you bitches.

spit it out!!!!!!!!!!!!!Slipknot-fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Goo Goo Dolls-when everything is made to be broken. I just want you to know who I am.I fucking love them. deep deep down. Listen.fucks.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Opium poppy season is upon us.

I'm surprised by the fact that I haven't posted about these little babies that spring up all over from early June till around mid-August. My parents house in the country is full of them and I can not wait until I get a moment alone with them because they're going straight into the boiling pot to make orgasmic opium tea. Sweet fucking dreams.
They are so beautiful and addictive, I am in love. Officially.
Here are some photos to brighten up my blog.
The seeds I sowed in my garden in London haven't sprouted which is a bitch but I will survive.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Skindred. Dancehall metal! Man just genius, pure genius.

Just wait for the end, it is an awesome headbanger. For someone who likes reggae, dancehall ragga and metal this is a fucking dream come true.
Nobody gets out alive.
I'm getting the album, for sure
Listen for fuck's sake
noone ever plays my music videos-they're there for a reason godammit!!!

Poetry of the passing

Years like days, like widows-black shrowds,
growth stunted and playing to the crowds
monkey on a string for the puppet master
The haunting is the hardest part.
My heart beats faster...

another cold grey day with my window wide and my eyes tight shut,
the wind is my past and my heart is fuct,
it grows in me-this sadness for the loss of my youth
I'm relapsing through rememberance, facing the truth.

Damn shadows of people I knew- their eyes in my lense
drinking and laughing, I assume they're my friends,
these memories still hurt me like I'm on the other side of the world
these ghosts of voices from before I grew old.

I'm feeling so mortal, my eyes bloated from tears
been sitting here so long and can't turn back the years
Fuck it, I'm more than I've ever been
not living on borrowed time, not just living the dream.
Fuck it, my lowest point is my past
this life is a race and I refuse to be last

Take it, your false ideas of greener grass
I'm not reliving your dreams, not mourning a farce
Take it, I don't want this burden anymore
this cancer, this tumor, the smiles I never saw

Blah blah! you get the idea, I'm moving on
Basically-screw nostalgia-it's a fucking lie.

Keep on making memories

Friday, June 16, 2006

Big Youth- Life is a ghetto

Wow! I've been moaning like a bitch recently-just lots of shit happening at once-had to be vented.
Anyway here's a cool tune- makes you thankful and shit for what you got, and shows that you can have nothing and still be happy- you win either way
You are your own worst and only enemy.
Peace to all you struggling headcases,
Today I am a happy man.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Fuck everything. The source. Children of Bodom.

It's all over but the crying.

Wake up, the world's fuct and all there is in me used up and fooled and suffocated by choices and faults and stupid neurotic reasons for not doing and doing and I'm tied to this arrow-shot to the sky and the downfall is all there is to come. the grand finale of screaming wind and dismembered earth. Fuck it all. Fuck you all. It's a damn shame but there's nothing to be done-just a scrap of microfilm of life of organism that doesn't make sense that's pathetic that's let everyone down that's hiding and forced to come out.
Can't please anything anyone, shudder, splinter, empty, fuct-like the world like your beliefs like any reason for being here like rage like war-indeterminate hatred and sorrow and pity and loss. Loss for something I never had.
Paint your face, at shadows smile.
Just so defeated. It beggars belief. Nothing can make it better, a lifetime left to mourn my loss. A lifetime left to fail. No time left to be me. An H-bomb shadow crawling across the wall-too late for relief, too late for safety. Just another lonely soul pasted against the fabric of history, his time not yet past his prayers not yet answered, his failing desire, failing smile, empty eyes, spittle dribble decay stench rotten stomach dead brain fluid bleak.
It's all over but the crying.

Monday, June 12, 2006

The joys of drug rehab-Fear and self-loathing in London

Sunday, June 11, 2006

No drugs, no emotion, no life

Maybe I'm wrong.
I want it. To lose the bingeing and the denial and the stupidity.
This is me.
I'm scared.
Will I change? I don't know. Do I really want to?
So hot. Want comfortable decor and drip feed.
Want breeze and smiles.
Want end to paranoia.
Want, need, crumbling mess of nerves and exhaustion.
Fear of emotion. No obliteration anymore, just life and me. My mind drilling shadows through my soul, no barriers incessant tired shut up
end it
fade away
dream dream dream, bloody skies, dead hugs and empty gesture
I want the cage
pointing, laughing, throw away the key
suffer, scream, starve, forget, collapse,
breathe, trust, friendship, sunshine, free
I am longing
I am fear
I am hope

Friday, June 09, 2006

Iron Fuckin' Maiden!

Let he that have understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a huge number. It's number is 666

This fucking rocks!!
God bless british metal and the omen.

Life-Is it there to humour us before we die? Voices from the unheard. Alexisonfire!

Blink 182 - Fucking funny. I'm 26 and I still love this shit

"I was born a long way from where I'm supposed to be, so I suppose I'm on my way home"- Bob Dylan

I've just started to find the corners of the pages in the book of my life, just learnt to turn the page and move on. I feel a "change is gonna come" but who knows how long it will take 'till I find my 'home'- somewhere I belong physically as well as spiritually.
If life is a box of chocolates it seems like mine all look great but taste of coffee or that other shite flavour- violet?not sure. Anyway, everyone can find the one they like but I'd just got fed up of feeling sick of eating the shit that I forgot that it could be another way. There's sweetness out there and I'm gonna find it. Do all the shit, swallow the shards of glass, the bitter pill of humility and discover the happiness of cleanliness, freedom from separation, isolation and introversion.
My mind is made up and that counts.
I never want to be tired again, never again locked in the sand with the tide coming in.
I crush the bulb that lit up the fears of this world in my hand and taste the blood- the gruesome pleasure of living in the darkness of ignorance mixing with my healing body.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Morphine sleep

Ya' just to remind myself that I got proper mash-up friday, saturday and sunday. fell asleep on the floor at a friend's flat party- too much morphine- drunk all day sunday, friday-just slumped half-eye open in front of the TV. Good times, one day at a time. all finished now. what next?
The devil and the deep blue me.

"All my friends got flowers in their eyes, but I've got none this season./All of last years blooms have gone and died,time doesn't give a reason"

Sunny days, meant for freedom and it's all so good until you remember you're still trapped, the sunlight just animating your confines. Still a lot to do and I'm not sure where it's all going. How can you make plans when they depend on so much that you have so little control over?
Another failure today, and although expected, sadness flooded in again, cemented resolve to do better, to be better. I will be what they want, not for them, but for me. Tired of these endless years of fading hopes, so unsure as to where it is all leading. What path? Why raise expectation when they have fallen so many times before?
"I don't wanna be an angel, but I'm nothing, I'm nothing if I'm not this high."(Counting Crows)
I don't want to be special, but normality is just a kick in the guts, and escapism is all I need to be someone. But I'll never be someone until I can take the pain that so many others suffer and yet hide away. It's all I hope for, and sometimes the worry is just too much. Thank God for Clonazepam. Thank fucking God. I don't know where I'd be without it.
Wash away the fear and the fury.
Sunshine, and my cell.
Beauty, and the beast.
Tomorrow is a new day, the start of a new life, one where I hold the fucking strings.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Iraq, Bush, Britney Spears

My lullaby of carbon monoxide

Slam that fucker for the last time, grip the rubber remembrance of the reasons you're here- your wasted life, tear into it's cheapness- show the world there's courage in a crippled shadow yet.
Fulfil the drill until the carpet softens and old paintings and cigarettes waft through your tangled intellect, a confused, misty grave where your dreams float- trapped by pre-programmed glass and grim intent. Life never tasted so good, sweet and warm- with eyes heavy more memories explode and force themselves into you subconscious.
Just let go, that's all there is to do. Now it's too late. You cant even die like a man you fucking coward, your pained attempt at a statement and there's nothing but the children to watch and question as you clamber against the gummy insides of eye lids and disappearing sinew.
This wasn't meant to happen, who shat in my life and forced my hand?
Knock knock.
Knock Knock.
Knock Knock.
Please. we didn't mean it.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Sizzla - Pure chill. Listen-it will affect your day.

Not his best song but fucking is pretty mainstream, but hey, what can you do?

Sometimes you've gotta stop asking "why?" and start asking "How?"

They didn't have "I want everything" by Def Leppard but I'm in 'sis mood today and this song...whatever............

Sometimes it doesn't pay to keep fighting,and it may not feel great to give in either. All I want is everything, and it's taken me a long time to realise that that's never gonna happen. I've fought with myself and everyone around me, exhausted by the pressure of reality stamping on my needs. I'm tired of fighting, tired of pretending I don't care, fuck it, I'm tired of not being who I could be. Life's not a bitch but it's a real piece of work and pretending it doesn't exist through drugs isn't the way forward. It just makes it the worst fucking nightmare. Hating is exhausting.
I still want everything,
I will never get it, but maybe I'll learn to be happy some other way.
Anyone else been reading self-help books recently?! I haven't by the way.