Sunday, July 16, 2006

Hold on.

This has been a relevant issue in a lot of people's lives and I just thought it was relevant at the moment. I have had suicidal thoughts, but the other reason for this post is the death and rebirth that may or may not arise from my little holiday.
I also love Good Charlotte.
Happy days guys.

Friday, July 14, 2006

I keep a stiff upper lip. Fucking right I do.

Raw baby-pure.
This is my humble homage to AC/DC-awesome as fuck.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

I'm not sick, but I'm not well...

Ooooooooh! been feeling hollow all day-well until recently,teehehe!was falling aleep in meetings, fucking up all my responsabillities. \i left really early and hit the pub-got a few ciders and some cough medecine. then took about 5 zolpidem tablets-LIVIN THE DREAM! too tired for the gym- all of this because I got fucted up last night on loads of shit. I'm a giro playboy, surfing a wave of incompetence and disassociation/ who is society? Oh SHUT UP you pretensious twat!
Bring your disease to my house and I will make you better. a bit of this , a bit of that- but big boot up the bum in the morning after because I'm no good social worker on a hangover.
Trot trot trot little piggy the butcher knows you're gone. leg it you fat shitheap or your wobbling flesh shall be my meal-hungry as I am.
my stomach burns, burns from abuse nd beer. My eyes dried from sleep in lenses, skin itching from a codeine overload. I do my best to spread my love and read my fellow bloggers' bloggs. I love all you guys it's just that \i feel it he a bit shit to be honest. the keyboard is bending at right-angles-crappy wanks.#I'm exhausted-peace ou my peeps

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

It's a cunt and it hasn't even started yet.

I've been told to bring hiking boots to rehab. 'Nuf said.
Fucking fuck wank
suck my fat one you cunts!

Unsurprisinly I hate walking aimlessly and I hate it even more when it's up-hill and I hate it more when there isn't a party at the other end, and I hate it even more if it's cold and wet and shit, and -I see tantrums, big ones.

This is not a good start. Not good at all.

I'm just hanging on to my old life as if it were a dead parent, pumping it with drugs to make it live again. Everybody knows it's no use but the electrodes spark and whisper success,.

Today the rum is sweeter, rawer, heavy with ethanol and sedatives for a hungry, parched thoughtless mind. Giving in was like child's play and the gratitude flowed.

I'm not going to minch my words, beat around the bush, procrastinate in any shape, way or form.

You want to know the truth? The ordinary, frogspawn, hillbilly, poisonous truth?

The way this story ends, there ain't nobody getting out alive.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

I say 'goodbye', you say 'hello'

I think I knew what to say at some point. That was a very long time ago. I've carved a lull into my vocabulary that makes me seem stupid when I'm really trapped by a jumpy, confused brain.
My sorrows find succour in its overactivity, perhaps its intelligence. Boring they say, different too.
I live.
I am nervous, waiting for my time to go to the hospital of the soul.
I am sedated, not happy, just empty, nothing to say, warm, friends listen to television and it hurts my fingers, all so desperate to write and amuse and vent, but they can't.
Again it must wait.
I get up at 5.30am tomorrow. I am coming down from ritalin. depressed.
but happy under my fog.
Save me from myself.
15mg's zolpidem for sleep and 50mg's anafranil. I feel the sickness rise. I want sleep. so I go.
I to you write soon, much done yet to be.
and peace to the restless out there.
I will continue to frustrate...

Sunday, July 09, 2006

I have been getting very very high lately.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

I'm sorry for the silence, I'm sorry for the noise.

This dude should give up his body to science when he finally kicks the bucket. He is just incredible.

Yeah, sorry about my last rant- a bit pissed methinks.
So. My meds arrived today so took a whole load on wakin up and am stumbling around the house-watching wimbledon an shit that is completely incapable of striking any kind of chord in me. I suppose it may be the drugs causing tailbacks in my bloodstream and provoking crashes of unknown magnitude on the runway that is my thought process.
Happy, yeah. Bored, no. This week may be a bit heavy because I'm scared of going into rehab next sunday. I just wanna go out blazing.
I'm just scared of who I'm gonna be after.
I probably won't have anything to write about.
Ho hum, thanks for your support guys
and I am NOT a 'freak' super-freak and SDC, no offence taken because maybe I am on second thought.
Stay happy you funny little headcases
I love you all

Cripple you, muthafukka.

Sit down and shut the fuck up. I'm here with the lesson, raw words to tell you how it is, desperate, hysterical shards of fact that cut you down in your fucking tracks.
I'm the messenger so step back and listen, mark this day in your diary-watch me burn this date into your brain because today your life ceases to be a game of haphazard chance and joy mingled with pain, today you know all you're worth is a stale breath in the cold night air.
Today you MUST realise the futility, the destroyed soul of man, the cheap lives we treasure so highly, the crippled creeping death that dissolves our sinue, our fabric, our matter.
Just understand for christ's sake, sown into our flesh is the code for despair-the end of our beginning, the beginning of our end. swallow your death, feel the warm touch of slow decay on your skin-life never feels so real until you know it's gone. Empty satisfaction, gloating over lost happiness.
We all suffer, we all die, we all try to believe there's more and that makes us the fucking cowards that we are- earnestly scrambling away from the inevitable.
Well fuck you, I'm not running anymore. Not playing your fucking game. I smile as the blackness envelops me, happy in my sorrow, clean in the emptiness of forever.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Sex Drugs and Roll


Thursday, July 06, 2006

Just for a moment of peace amidst the storm, Just a moment

Up at 5.30 am today for my payless work.
Saw my counsellor yesterday with my parents and have decided that I will definitely go to this rehab place in South Africa for 4 weeks. Probably a week on sunday! except I've got an exam retake at the end of august and noone knows when it's gonna be and a dissertation to write and loads of shit to do here. It's all so last minute and the clonazepam I ordered still hasn't arrived. I've got enough left for about 3 days and I will not be able to go to work next week without it-seriously. so I'm gonna have to beg my other doctor to send me a script for some-enough until I go to south africa. Fuck-if he doesn't then I'm fuct, fuct I tell you!
I'm feeling pretty cool and cheers for listening.
Going to the gym.
I've got all this shit to explain away- why Im finishing work experience early, why I can't write my dissertation till a month later, why why why,blah blah. it's just a stupid fucking problem that's controlling my life-if I go I wanna go with a clear head-no fucking worries about dates and fear of failure.
The funny thing is I can't wait for the plane journey because I can get fucked up on free gin and tonics and sleeping pills.
The scary thing is I'll have to go 4 weeks in intensive shit, with a bunch of wasters I don't know...Tough shit.
And I don't have a phone.HAHA!
I'll write something more meaningful over the weekend. I imagine I'll be drunk when I do.
Peace out muthafukkas!

Monday, July 03, 2006

I really, really, have no fucking clue. Just left with a terrible feeling of shame and regret...

Yeah, I feel great today. Funny but it happens sometimes.
However the weekend was another story altogether and I am trying to forget that I can't remember half of it.
Basically fuct myself at my house bbq on friday, but was okay behaved-(Except stole opium poppies from someone's garden a about 3am to make tea and then stayed up till like 5am talking bollocks)
Saturday started drinking for breakfast-England were playing in the 1/4 finals of the world cup-come on! gotta be up for that with bells on.
so met amigos at a pub and got horrendously fucked-up. Last thing I remember is being drenched in beer whilst throwing pints all over my mate.
I woke up at about 3am with my pockets being picked by two guys-they left me with just enough to get home-cunts. phone etc. stolen.They punched me in the face for good measure too-nice style.
Got home around 6am-slept it off till one pm sunday-brain swimming with humiliation and I just dunno, a sense of impending doom. I've gotta hit rehab someday soon.
I feel so normal today. It's like my evil twin comes out to play and screw with my head whenever I least expect it.
I had my first day of a month's work experience in a property company today-was fine-I felt like I fitted in. hmmm
I don't fucking know who I am anymore
It's been a long fucking time since I did
Staind's song-"It's been a while" sums my sentiments up perfectly.
One minute I'm perfectly happy, and the next I'm lost in some manic bender. I just don't fucking know. These constant mood sings are doing my head in.
I'll get them sorted.
Peace-sorry for the depressing song but it kind of sums up my weekend.