Brain food

I've been doing the same thing for 3 weeks without break, it's like I imagine prison to be, an endless cycle of self-deprivation, of forcing yourself into positions your body cries out against. Over and over and over, and I still don't know if it's for any good reason. I fail, I re-do, I fail I am fuct. God, just so bored and tired. 3 days left, 3 days of abstinence, 3 days of cramped rooms and smudged pride.
My brain hurts. My stomach is sick from nerves, and I'm sure I'm gonna get an ulcer.
3 days, 3 days, 3 days and then I'll re-enter what I used to call the world. Just 3 days to hold on.
Just 3 days, come on brain- get me through this wanky week and I'll let you take the next off, I swear....For me....Please.
3 days.
God.

Grey

Scrape the surface and the lie is revealed. Just shovel away the attempts at discovery and uncover the truth behind the black curtain of rationality. Windswept, grey fields of science sway in the stale air of denial, lying to the cereal that feeds our minds. Once twice three times we hang on to a dream that dies inside everyone of us every time we swallow our forcefed sleep.
Drink liquor to make the pill taste less bitter, but the warmth of sleep and illusion just rises like bread to the surface of our hearts and forces the question. Why?
With denial time passes, while the murmurs of discontent grow inside, boiling, breeding, foaming over- spilling into our waking lives. One day no amount of chemicals will be able to hide the dark cloud of sobriety and truth that pervades and swallows our happy squalor. I look and avoid eye contact with the truth, but life is nothing without fear, great insurmountable mountains of truth and sharp blades of condemnation that will be our downfall.
Lie to me, make me happy.
Truth, if it exists, will prove nothing. Except it's obsolescence.
Thank you.

So cold, so warm

Beam, shine, run colours run, I don't watch. Everyone does. I shiver in your shower and life runs dark and thick through my blue, blotched veins.
Is this beautiful? Red burn and shallow touch. No go zones and fenced in.
Crunch, crack, worlds spin in me and fall through my eyes, expanding spheres dripping the dreariness of every day. Pinned down, my feet scream for release and urge my spirit till it hurts and sniggers. If this is it, why isn't it over? Pins screech through air and slice thin skin,closed umbrellas weep in fetid cubicles, living out their deterioration in hope- never to arrive.
Suck my teeth, hold my breath, fire up my eyes and start the game again. Lock the door, smell the stench and feel the familiar loathing detachment.
Grit my teeth, hurt so hard the street pulses with rebellion. Stamp my waves into the world, heat the yellow ice tugging at my heart and burn a memory into the past that is life.

Fuck me, I'm all out of enemies!!!!

Today, haha!! lotsa people finding my blog because of my last post having the word drugs in-must be a shame not to find something more down their street.

Today I've done my drugs alright. Nothing illegal, but fuck - a little bit makes the world go round.make mesense? Yup, I overdid my gym stuff and it kicked in by the time I got back home and I was bouncing off the walls - like speed in overdrive. heart beating out of my chest, pupils massive - i got some valium so not so bad but if not would not have been good. I'm wide awake and my work is non-existent-

I'm kinda chilled today also, strange whilst being so high but I dunno - I think I can do my work in time so laying back tonight.

It's funny, this is the reason for my post title (thanks Slipknot!), but with no anger or rage I am emptying slowly,
Tomorrow maybe they'll return, the enemies in my soul, my demons and bile. But for now fuck it. God giveth and he doth whatever!!
Look, I'm always interested to know whether depressive goth rock stars like Billy Corgan and the like would be happy if they were happy? If they were happy then they wouldn't have had anything to write about and so wouldn't have become famous. Huh?
Putting it out there.....

Norm life baby. (Just say no kids)

"Norm life baby, we're white and so hetero and our sex is missionary,
Norm life baby, we're quiters and we're sober our conditions will be televised,

You and I run the coast and we're ready to fall - raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all,
WE'RE TAUGHT TO BE NOTHING!!!!!

I don't like the drugs but the drugs like me,
.......

Norm life baby, God is white and unforgiving and we're piss-tested and we're praying,
Norm life baby, I'm just a sensitive soul, made to look just like a human being,
Norm life baby, we're rehab'd and we're ready for our 15 minutes of shame,
Norm life baby, we're touching and we're pointing just like christians at a suicide,

We're raised to be stupid, taught to be nothing at all,
WE'RE TAUGHT TO BE NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't like the drugs, but the drugs like me....."

But hell dude, I love Mr.Manson! I may not live in the good ol' US of A but I know what it's like to have the system try to crush your individuality-We are taught to be nothing- to follow the fucking leader, to assimilate and submit. We're all shacked by the force of our fears. To tow the fucking line. Fuck it.
The drugs bit I can associate with but hey that's another story.
Maybe it's only the people who feel outcast, disillusioned by society that take drugs, or maybe visa versa? Hmmm. Interesting point.
I'm going to do my fucking very best.
I will refuse to submit-maybe.
You have to be strong, so strong.
I suppose time will tell.

Aching for change

Yo my people- I just need to get this off my chest. "money, money, money - Root of all evil." Nope not really- I think the word 'estoppel' actually IS. I have just spent 7 hours studying law jargon and I am swiftly losing the will to live. This is my idea of heaven- no-not THE ROOM! PLEASE, noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, if I see that revising tomb again things will get messy. I started getting paranoid hallucinations yesterday about mathematical equations- way too much caffeine me thinks.
Yeah, I'm over and out for the day,
I go back to London tomorrow- back to the root of all evil, my hometown, my place of messy memory. Ho hum- will I be so good there- I doubt it - How many times have I said on this blog that I will not secumb to temptation- countless. This time I really am fuct if I do so let's see.

God damn my back hurts.
I need a drink. Maybe a beer to start?
NO! can't. hehe.
No, it's cool, all is cool.

"Money in my pocket but I just can't get no love-dedada-dedumdum" Holy crap I love reggae. check out burning spear's blog at burningspear.blogspot.com- really nice chilled vibes. He'd maka great president - legalise the 'erb etc.

Let's speak soon bredren.
Zoot__________
Skylarkin' - thank you lord for what you've done for me-dedummm.Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Forgive him his ramblings he knowns not what he does.

Gotta go- I can't fail more shit

Just human (but always guessing - see photo.Hmm.)

I know, I know Jack Johnson again, but I'm stressed to death and am of a lyrical inclination of late. I find he chills me, so here's an interesting quote from the begining of a song of his- I like it, maybe you will too:

"I heard this old story before, where the people'd keep calling for the metaphors,
but don't leave much up to the imagination,
so I wanna give this imagery back but no it ain't so easy like that so,
I turn the page, read the story again, and again, and again...

Sure seems the same, with a different name,
We're breaking and rebuilding and we're growing always guessing,

Never knowing,
we're shocking but we're nothing,
we're just moments, we're clever but we're clueless,
we're just human, amusing and confusing.

We're trying, but where is this all leading?
We'll never know,
We'll never know."

It goes on like that. Gets better too but I'm exhausted so peace out my brethren. another day beckons me to bedfordshire.

If

Rudyard Kipling
If

If If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or, being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise; If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with triumph and disaster And treat those two imposters just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to broken, And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools; If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breath a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on"; If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run - Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

I just love this damn poem.
Enjoy
X

Apology

Just to say sorry about all my recent emotional outbreaks of late- Not that I regret them - It's just that I have a lot of shit going on and I'm finding it hard to deal with and I just need to vent it- ya' know?
Cheers for the patience-to whomever it may concern
Merlin X
Peace.

Wear sunscreen

Yup- Something was going to set me off in the car on the way to my parents. That damn song-actually I like it but fuck it touched some raw nerves.
I spent the next half hour blubbing-I dunno why- just down from some red bull shit i took when I went to the gym this morning. Brought up loads of shit about repression and hate and frustration and why it should all be so avoidable but how it just isn't. Everyday we fuck about constantly looking to the past for our pleasure when we should be living in the now, not fucking wingeing and moaning about how crap everything is and being so hateful and resentful and angry.
I just looked at myself and realised that I'm never going to be this young again, never have this many opportunities or choices in life again. I need/ we all need to just be happy with who we are and try to forgive ourselves all the shameful, hateful, selfish, fucked-up things we've done to ruin the gift that is our lives and to make a fucking go of it while there's still time because there's not going to be another chance. Ever.
When I cry I just see an endless pit of hatred and shame and guilt and frustration and longing and I just feel myself drowning in the shit that I've built up behind my eyes and I get so scared that if there's that much shit heaped up ready for me to drown in by now-how much will there be when I'm dead?
It's true that there are friends you will never see again, places you will never see again, or things you will never experience again how ever hard you might try, you just have to say fuck it and look forward and just express and don't repress. It's a fucked-up place this world but being a bunch of bitter cowards isn't going to make it any better.
smile.
Over and out-
Merlin XXX
(Here's a link if you want read the "sunscreen"shpeal.
http://colleenscorner.com/Poetry4.html)

That's me told.

I had a little chat with a flatmate and apparently my mash-up antics have been noted and are not endearing me to those others around me. I was told that I should go talk to someone.I have noone and can't afford to pay. I was told my behaviour could become a problem if it continues this way.
I know. I'm so so sorry. I just wish I'd go away. I just want more thanI can ever know. I detest my angst and loneliness, and motherfucking impotence, my fetid evil wasted cunting nothingness. I just don't know what's going to make me able to bare it all.
I just fucking hate it, you me it fucking all!!fucking everything and if I can't get shitted all the time I'm as fucked in the arse by this world as the grey, faceless, dead men you see walking to work everyday. Ignorant cunts. Maybe I hate their harmless stupidity.
Ignorance truly is bliss. I hate them/loathe them out of pure jealousy and pity for my constant lonely cracked thrashing spirit. "Put me in the fucking hole."("A Million little pieces". Frey. J.)

Starting all over

I was reborn today. The sun is shining- not for the first time, but it felt like something i'd never known. I'm back in town after a narcotic induced daydream. I have shit to do. God I'm so boring when
I'm listening to Jack Johnson-aaa-how unusual. great however. shower and dreams of smoking on thai beaches, reading trash happy in the knowledge that it doesn't fucking matter. nothing fucking matters.
However good it gets in my little chameleon shell/life/home town it'll never be that good. I fell asleep crying last night. I'd spent the day sleeping at my desk trying to revise. Today I woke up-and it's different. Now I have an urge to get high on coke. funny huh? I'm def a downers guy but I'm never the same. never. never.
One day I want it all-the black sleep and the comfort, another I need experience; our silly, pointless shit excites me and I want to make it my own. I'm a funny fucker and I'm glad I have myself to share this with.
I am the only person that has to live with myself.

The end of the begining ,or the begining of the end?

This may be the first post I have written on a weekend- right in the heart of the dull craziness. (It took me 3 efforts to write 'heart' just then!). Anyways, Friday, I went to a crap party so left early and was well-behaved as far as I can rememer! Saturday, took 60 mg's of morphine 20 mg's valium and a rohypnol. I thought I was ok so I went out to meet some friends for drinks, the sun being out and all that shit. However on the way I had a go on some cough mixture I got fom the chemist which realy fuct me up and after about 2 hours of drinking I started falling asleep and drifting off, nice at home but not very polite when you're trying to chat up some fit girl!
Anyway I got shat on by my friend today. Ho hum. Anyway,because I have lots of work to do for the rest of April I ate the rest of my morphine today and am having a few beer and benzos. I keep drifting away and forgetting what's real. It's fun. I feel great today and am glad that the temptation to get screwed is no longer there. All I'm scared of are the withdrawals. I've been taking that shit a lot, more than I have before so I have no idea what to expect. Fingers crossed!

I hope you guys had a good weekend
Stay happy,
Merlin the Man
X

My future comes right back to haunt me...

I thought I'd kicked it- two days-nothing-sleep and sleep. slow and crappy. today I wake-it's good so i take more morphine and here I am writing to try to prove something. I don't fucking know- I should be high but I'm just scared of the repercussions of all this shit. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I'm going away for the weekend so should be drug-free.
I just wish time would freeze, wait for me to get ready. I just don't have enough time and feel that my life is one big scramble to be prepared, a rush to fit in all the nothingness so that it can become something. Instead I'm watching it blur past and all I have are sedatives to slow me so I don't erupt with fear and incomprehension and impotence.
No control.
Where is my future?
I don't care, because the pills just kicked in.
Yup. you heard me. Quote me "happy".
Time for a bit of me time.harumpffff.
I'm not always like this. I can be a nice guy. I just write the shit stuff in here.
None of my friends, or anyone I know, know about this blog.
It's my own private scream.
But today. I'm just----

I tried to give and I just couldn't take it; I tried to love and I turned round and hated it.

I am still so tired after last weekend. I managed to scrape myself off the mattress at 2.30pm today. went to the gym and lasted zero-time. I was gonna work but just want to sleep.
music gives me nothing either. It'll take a couple of days for the morphine to leave my body,and then the revision starts. and then I'll finish the rest of my morphine-probably- never learn from your mistakes seems to be my subconscious motto. ho hum.

No time but my next post will be decent.
drug free
Just say no kids.
But if not say YEAH!!!!!!!!!!

Out of control

Another weekend gone and I fucking can't stand myself! No ability whatsoever to control my fucking primal instincts. I still have all this morphine bouncing aound my room making friends with my downers. I'm being ganged up on. I waited so long for then to arrive and now I don't know. I want them so badly, but I'm getting hooked fast. It's kinda scary. I'm meant to be revising for my exams in a couple of weeks and I have this constant temptation hanging over me.
I had a huge night on Friday-I took some morphine and then went out to supper with friends=great. Got drunk and went back to a mate's flat where we all boshed a load of coke. The first time in a while so was fantastic.
anyway, went home- got robbed on the way-only a tenner tho- and stayed up making a mix tape. passed out and woke at 10pm the next day, then back to bed till 12pm sunday. And guess what- I somehow ended up taing 90mg's morphine 3 rohypnol, 1 zopidem and a bottle of wine, and I can't remember much after that. tada!

Another big fat memory blank- no damn idea. I'm fed up with the haze and annoyed that the morphine isn't working so well anymore- need to stop to build up tolerance again but get sick and can't wait, blah, blah! also have to study but with all this shit washing around my head it's kinda hard...
that's another reason why I haven't been writing-I've been too chilled out/boring/lazy/etc.
watch this space.